So, ‘best laid plans’ and all that! The night I had planned to relax and look after myself, I ended up getting a call from S in the middle of the night. A moth had flown into his ear and he wanted to drive to hospital. So in my drug addled, deep sleep I jumped into the car in my nightie and drove up to the house. I barely uttered two words to him, I slipped into bed with my boy and fell asleep.
In the morning S told me he’d waited for hours and was tired. I was still painfully sore in the morning and keen to get to my house. He leaves the house in such disarray ,with mounds of laundry, he doesn’t air the place out, and because I’m no longer playing housekeeper, it really gets to me. I just like the calm and tidiness of my house.
I had my appointment with my therapist first, so took a quick stop at my house to organise myself and then head to her office. We talked mostly about the situation with the cop. She’s absolutely convinced he was a predator and basically groomed me. Whereas I am still struggling with accepting that and not feeling guilty and confused. It was, as usual, an intense session, but it was good to verbalise all of my tumbling thoughts and use her as a sounding board.
I then went to see my lawyer – 2 pretty intense days back to back.
It was AGAIN a shock to see how vindictive and selfish my ex husband is. How I keep letting myself seem surprised is beyond me. You really see true colours in a divorce. Had I have known now what I knew when I met him, I NEVER would have gotten involved. He’s so selfish and self absorbed, caring only about himself and what he thinks he deserves, seeing himself as a hero.
I’m so over it! I’m not even angry anymore. I just feel that he will be someone else’s problem soon. There is only disdain for him, some disappointment that he’s not the person I thought he was, and my eagerness to ensure the best for the children.
Two long appointments and I was pretty tired and fed up. I asked S to have the kids, I really needed an evening to relax and digest everything.
Today I have my son and its a quiet day, he seems pretty tired himself.
This weekend is a special trauma weekend, where I usually go for group therapy once a month. This long-planned and anticipated weekend is finally going ahead. It’s only for survivors of sexual assault. I’ve been undecided about attending, but it might prove useful to move some of these thoughts and if it isn’t – I can always leave.
It will be a change to be more present around my peers and vocalise some of my issues.