This morning, first thing, I had my smear test. Early was good, less time to panic or talk my way out of it. unfortunately, the commute is longer – in the city, but I prefer to keep my smear separate from my GP. It feels more secure and I am less likely to be triggered by a random GP appointment.
So S took the kids and I made my way in, even earlier to ensure I got a park close enough.
I didn’t wait long, until a really friendly Dr called me. She was so softly spoken, it was hard not to be relaxed by her melodic tone. We spoke briefly about my lack of current sexual partners, which admittedly I think she struggled to believe – no sex for years! I know she doubted it because she still offered a pregnancy test!! I guess its to be expected at a family planning clinic.
Anyway, my smear test was a nightmare as usual. Unable to relax, and my cervix (sorry for the TMI!) is very far back, so it requires some rooting around, so to speak. She actually had to do it twice, and by the end my muscles were so tight, it felt agonising, so amount of lubrication on the tools was going to help. She was obviously aware of it and warned me that I would probably bleed.
As I left, I actually found it hard to walk properly. It hurt so much, more than previously I think. I know people think it should be easy, I’ve had 4 kids! But I’ve not been able to have a ‘normal’ sex life because of my over reactive protection barriers. At least in pregnancy, for me, any internal examinations were about ‘the baby’ even the birth was about getting my child delivered safely. But its hard to reconcile the intrusion and anxiety of any examinations when there’s not a little life relying on me. That said, the only reason I am able to have the smear tests done is because I couldn’t bear to miss early warning signs and end up not being around to see my kids grow up. I owe it to them and I also want to be the role model for my daughters when it comes to matters of women’s health.
The cramping and feeling of bruising has been really bad all day. Made worse because I still didn’t have any diazapam and have been messed around by different health professionals trying to obtain it.
I had to collect the kids from school because S was going to be later. All I could do was curl up the bed. Moving hurts, and I don’t want to walk around and feel that horrible sore, bruised feeling. My poor boy kept wanting to climb over me, but it was excruciating. I just wanted S to relieve me ASAP . And I never get like that with my children.
He got back after 6.30 and biting back the tears I left the house straight away.
I’ve just showered, listened to some music and curled up on my bed – I put fresh sheets on it earlier, before the examination, as I love clean sheets.
My anxiety is so bad, I am exhausted but scared to sleep. I feel alone, I would like to be cared for and held about now. Although at the same time, peace and not having to answer to anyone is quite relaxing.
I’m having an early night now. With sleeping tablets. I can only hope I am not plagued by nightmares.
Tomorrow is therapy, which could be a bad or a good thing.
No one really understands how hard this is for me. Again, I feel unable to talk to anyone. The pain, shame, feeling of being dirty, old memories of trauma have no choice but to furrow deep into my heart.
I feel so miserable.