Today was very long and called for all of my strength and ability to compartmentalize.
After S dropped off the kids last night (at 10.30pm with McDonald’s?!!), and getting them settled, the neighbours kicked off with their all too frequent noise. Despite reporting them to the council, they persist in music going from 8am- 3/4am (yep, all day and night!). Its loud and really inconsiderate. Especially when they have friends over all night. The morning came all too quickly and after school drop off, I had some time to get ready and then head to my first therapy session in months.
I decided to tell my therapist about the case in the UK and let her read all of the emails and my statement. She had a very strong take on the situation, referring to the cop as being a predator and pointing out my vulnerability state at the time. I don’t feel that way, but I am conflicted about the whole thing and I feel a lot of shame. My mind likes to remind me of certain conversations or things, that feels wrong and did do at the time, but I am also keen to believe that we had a connection and I wasn’t one of his many ‘types,’ that he pursued for his own desires or need for control.
Knowing I was driving on to a job interview, it was really important that I didn’t give in to my feelings. Only last night I was liaising with the police in the UK AGAIN because they keep asking the SAME things and it’s really traumatic. Last night is the first time in a long time that I felt like self harming. The urge to cut was overwhelming, I thought about the knife I would use, I pictured myself doing it, not only the release, but the punishment for myself. To take away some of the shame and feeling of being dirty. I struggled with the desperate urge, but focussed on my sleeping son and how special he is and how much I love my children and need to be strong for them. It was the perfect distraction I needed.
Therapy was much-needed, to discuss to my thoughts, to confide in someone, to go over the communications – because I don’t feel safe talking to anyone else. It would have been good to cry, to shout, to express the deep-rooted shame, confusion and fear. But as I say, I was keen to focus on the long drive ahead on roads affected by earthquakes, floods and even a tornado!
Amazingly I kept my calm, and the drive was uneventful.
The interview was good, but I’m not overly confident.
Its surreal. In the morning I’m talking about the rape, I’m being told the cop I thought liked me was nothing but a predator and it was abuse, and then in the afternoon I am chatting in an office about my professional experience, without any indication that the night before I was struggling with issues of self harm.
Am I even normal??
This evening I am absolutely exhausted, I’m short of breath, I have this terrible feeling of doom and I’m uncomfortably restless. I recognise that I am in the grips of anxiety. I don’t have any diazepam, I don’t really want to drink, and I feel more lonely than normal.
Its evenings like this where I would truly love to feel cherished, to be cuddled, and to be reminded that I am not alone, that its OK to be damaged, and I am not some sort of heinous slut. I guess I need to remind myself of that.
I’m feeling pretty confused about everything. I would like to enjoy a good night’s sleep, but I suspect the neighbours won’t grant me that. I feel the urge to go away for a few nights. I really need to process things.