I went to the monthly survivors group on Sunday. A self proclaimed tortoise taking a peek at the outside world of peers. There was so much I could have shared, especially in light of recent months, the triggers, the pain, the shame and the battles. But I didn’t feel able to. I didn’t feel able to connect at all. I felt overwhelmingly tired and I couldn’t shake a threatening migraine. I didn’t feel claustrophobic though, which is good. Just too far removed emotionally to get anything from the group. It was good to see my therapist again though before I see her in her therapist capacity in a week or so.
I’ve heard nothing more regarding this overseas thing. I’m conscious that an email could arrive any time during the night here, but I’ll deal with that as it happens. I can’t keep worrying myself sick about something that I can’t control.
On the Monday my migraine was fully blown and the neighbours started their music at 8.30 in the morning! By midday the thumping was too much, I couldn’t sleep and I could have cried in pain. I called the council and reported the noise. I would feel bad, but frankly I’m sick of the constant noise and they’re so inconsiderate. It’s time they knew that it wasn’t fair. As me personally telling them obviously didn’t change anything.
To date they haven’t been loud again – but I won’t be lulled into a false sense of security. They still do their wheel spins/doughnuts outside the house at all hours.
I haven’t really seen S and we haven’t spoken since I gave in to his demands. Feels very much like he got what he wanted and now he’s gone out of my life. Mostly I’m ok with this, but I feel twinges of sadness. It’s not nice to be used and discarded by anyone let alone someone that was supposed to care. At least the kids aren’t suffering, I’ve had them over regularly and it certainly helps now I’m no longer attached to the family home. It just feels like a weird dream that we once bought our dream home. Now it’s worthless to me and I won’t make anymore memories there with my family.
I’m considering my future and looking at returning to work full time. Ideally it would be out of Wellington and I’d take the two youngest with me, organising shared custody with my ex for all of them. I no longer feel Wellington is my home, I don’t want to leave NZ and leave the kids and be far away, and it’s not working in this rental. And I have nothing really here for me anymore, aside from a lot of sad memories. We’ll see what happens, but currently the job market and rental market is better away from the main cities and I would really like a fresh start.
I feel a bit stuck, like I’m ready to move on but not really sure how to. I need to find myself again and being so close to my ‘old’ house doesn’t really help. Especially as I’m sure my ex and his family will be hanging out more and more. And I really don’t need their shit. It’s clear S and I won’t be friends. And again, I’m sad about this, but not devastated like before. I only see who he is now. And that’s not very much.
I’m due to see my psychiatrist tomorrow where I’ll admit that I’m taking considerably less anti depressants and no other medications. On the whole I’m not sure anything really helped. I wouldn’t like to go without everything – just in case. But I needed to grieve this separation and everything just seemed to stall the inevitable.
I still have the occasional nightmares and panic. But I think being forced to attend appointments alone, deal with my trauma alone has taught me that I’m more than capable of dealing with it. There is no one I’m close to to discuss anything – and that’s fine.
I’m still not ready to date.
My only focus is my children. Giving them all of my unconditional love and energy has been my greatest source of healing.
It’s very tiring at times but better to be tired from looking after the kids than tired from the agony of life.