Sins of the husband

So a few things have happened. And again its been insightful, albeit a tough lesson.

On Tuesday I had a wonderful day with my son, I took him to see what will be his primary school and he seemed really excited, although unfortunately we missed his sister.  J is doing so much better in that school and the children always seem so happy in there.  H found cars, so he was pretty relaxed!

After that we had brunch in a new cafe, just my boy and I, in which the staff showed him a fairy door and the magic fairy left H a lollipop – he and I were both equally excited!!, we went to the park as Spring gave us a much-needed reminder that summer is on the way.

It was a lovely day and I was able not to mull over the upcoming meeting with my lawyer.  For a few hours I was a mother to a beautiful boy enjoying the sun.

Because S had demanded this earlier ‘urgent’ meeting otherwise ‘it would be my fault that he lost everything’ –  I insisted he leave work early as I didn’t intend to take the kids with me.  He obliged but funnily enough as he rushed in he needed to make an urgent phone call and expected me to hang around.  Er, no.

His lawyer had made certain demands, and also hinted to my lawyer that his client was ‘insistent’ on getting these things wrapped up as soon as possible.

For two hours I trawled through finances, communications, his negotiations.  I’ve never been privy to this information before.  It was quite insightful.  It’s amazing how I am to blame for so many things I knew nothing about! His parents as anticipated were trying to create a back door way in and stake a claim the house, pushing me out.  Which won’t happen.  My lawyer was fantastic as usual.  Very calm and methodical.  I broke down and cried. Not because of grief anymore but because of my own stupidity.  You can never really know anyone.  And I didn’t know him at all.

Nothing can you prepare you for that.  I’ve had all of these awful experiences in my past with men, but I genuinely believed that in S I had found a soul mate.  A kind, compassionate man with integrity and loyalty.  The facts speak for themselves, he’s immature, he has no sense of accountability and he’s happy to continually twist the knife.  I’ve constantly been blamed, been shamed, been treated like crap so he can not face his own recklessness.  So he can use the system, not take any responsibility and ultimately rely on Mummy and Daddy to pull him out.  How can I have let this go on for so long?  How can I been so ignorant?  This wasn’t a relationship built on love and honesty.  This was built on lies, betrayal and immaturity.

By the time I left the lawyer’s office, drained, I wandered around the supermarket. I felt like I had seen yet another level of deception.  There is no safety, no comfort zone, no one to turn to.

When I got home, I didn’t have the kids.  Initially I parked the car and then sat in there and cried.  Like a stone finally hitting water.  The impact rushed at me.  I dragged myself inside and I just lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. No feelings, no thoughts, just quiet.  I had written a Facebook status saying I would never get married again, and I was amazed by the rush of support.  Clearly people are seeing things in my marriage that I didn’t.  Or chose not to and are only voicing that now.  Another shock.  Who is this guy?  My answer I know now is, he’s the father of my children and someone who I used to know.

Eventually we text each other and I wasnt surprised at all to get a barrage of how everything was my fault, how he was the innocent party, in my silence, he text more and more about how I had screwed things up for him and how his job was at risk, the house, etc. etc.  I was too tired to give him anything other, then fine.  You’re right.  I have nothing more to say on the matter.  I actually didn’t.  Words are meaningless.  My lawyer keeps saying, actions mean everything.  And his actions have shown me how little regard he has for me.

My lawyer has requested the basics, a house evaluation – he wasn’t even going to do that! And yet still expected me to sign the house away.  Even the debt in taxes includes the period we’ve been separated – which is incorrect and these claims he made in support from the government???  How can he do that without my consent?  How did I get pulled into his mess?  Marriage – sucks you right in with the other person.

I’m relieved I have this lawyer.  I would have broken down and given in ages ago, but she’s advocating for me, shes explaining things to me. She’s giving me the sense of empowerment – no I won’t be rail roaded.  I will stand up for myself.

I was in bed by 8.30, I was shot to pieces.  I had my hospital appointment the following day, I’ll write in a separated blog!

 

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4 thoughts on “Sins of the husband

  1. I am so relieved that you are seeing how badly your ex is and has been using you. It’s been very evident in your posts, but you seemed quite blind to it. Which I found odd, because in general you seem like a stand up kind of a person, who takes charge and makes things happen. Even the detail that you insisted your ex go very slightly out of his way to come to the meeting when it was convenient and possible for you, was heartening. Yes. Hope you keep standing strong.

    I think he likely was loving in the past. People have all these different aspects after all. But now – he is showing another side, that is selfish and uncaring.

    I also felt foolish after my break up was all over, and I realized I’d come out of years of my life with absolutely nothing. Glad you are doing better than I did. Take care.

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  2. It’s weird, you were one of the first to mention something like that in one of my posts – and I thought, no, you have it wrong. I’m the bad one he’s a good one. But gradually others are speaking the same things and I’m finally listening. Seeing with fresh eyes. It takes a long time to see the actions of a person. To face the truth. It was always there, I didn’t want to face it. Now I’m standing up for myself he’s become completely vile and nasty. I have been a fool.

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  3. omg penny, he sounds just nightmarish to deal with! i’m so glad you have the lawyer and he cant railroad you and suck you in and make you give in without a fight! Sending you a whole lot of hugs. xxx

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