Hospital appointment

So, I had to be at the hospital by 8am.  S had offered to drive me home – but I think we know that that was never going to happen.  He’d probably have me signing my life away in my half sedated state!  I’m sure he had his fingers crossed for complications!

I’d had nightmares two nights prior, but nothing the very night before.  My anxiety was high but I decided to see everything in pieces.  Drive there, park the car, walk there, wait for the staff, etc.  initially I went in to sign the consent forms and basically relieve them of any medical malpractice should anything go wrong.  My signature is becoming famous!

As soon as i was put in the bed, the tears came.  The smell of hospital, the horrible bright white lights, everyone else had a support person.  I was alone and the nurse told me I had to promise not to drive afterwards.  Initially there was talk of taking car keys, but I would have walked out.  My car is my freedom, my escape.

Then the canula thing went in my arm and I knew I was getting closer, I started doing deep breathing exercises to ward off the feeling of panic.  As the bed was wheeled into the room, I was initially taken aback by how it looked like a vet’s room!  High table, everything blue and minimal and out-of-the-way.  Before I had a chance to comment I was given this thing in my mouth to keep it open and a throat spray.  My god panic really set in, and then the dr shot the canual thing with something and the next thing I know I was waking up in the ward again.  He told me very proud of himself he gave me much more than normal to ensure I would be calm during the procedure.  I was glad.  I don’t recall the tube at all.  I have 70% burns to my oesophagus from reflux, which he felt didn’t really need surgery as omprezole works for me and medical procedures are clearly distressing for me.

I felt OK, so I drove home.  It wasn’t until much later that I felt the ghost of a tube down my throat to my stomach.  It felt weird and I still feel it on and off now.

The reality is that I did it myself.  I didn’t need the care and company of my husband.  I didn’t need a saviour to reassure me and keep me safe.  I didn’t need anyone to drive for me, cook for me or care for me.  I did it all myself.  There are so many things I’ve done by myself but I’ve always been quick to credit S when he’s done something with me.

I have booked my smear test now!  Its two weeks away but it’s already over due.  You know, he’s never really done much for me before when I’ve had those, so I know I’ll handle it like everything else.

It’s been a slow time coming, I hadn’t realised how much of myself was lost in this relationship and how over time, my self-worth had eroded.  He isn’t responsible for my self worth, but I realise he never really helped to build it up either.  And I when I start to doubt myself – which I will, his constant blaming of me for everything will make me reconsider myself, I’ll just think of the lawyer’s office.  The paperwork and what I’m enduring now – just because I want a fair outcome.

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