Not my fault!!!

I’m feeling physically run down and like I’m on a treadmill where I just have to keep fighting the shit.

So I mentioned in my last blog about my phone etc? Thanks to a cruel twist of bitter irony, when my iPhone fell it seemed ok but the next day it died. Faced with no phone due to my own clumsiness I was pretty pissed off. But fortunately it’s insured and I knew sending it away I’d get a phone in the interim – keeping my number and contacts. Although relieved that I only had a few hours of the handset being handed over and a temporary one set up (long gone are the days when you could just switch on and make a call – it’s all about accounts and downloading) I still felt unnecessarily stressed. I tried to entertain myself by wandering the mall, getting a couple of bits and trying to fit into the realms of normal life – in a rare moment without any kids in tow.

I then had to return to the library to print and scan yet more paperwork for ‘the thing.’ It’s time consuming and stressful and I don’t like confidential information on the computer screen and no doubt downloaded somewhere on a public system . But I was determined to get it done and dusted before the weekend or else it would always linger there as a pending ‘to do.’

I got back finally in time to get the kids and the afternoon was predictably busy. I have kept up a niggling headache and nausea and sleep is only forthcoming with tablets.

Today I opted for a rest day with my boy. I knew he needed it too. He ended up having a good couple of hours sleep. I, however, didn’t get that luxury. S text me repeatedly putting the pressure on for me to sign this document signing over the house. I’ve told him repeatedly I won’t sign anything without my lawyer seeing it and after two appointments, he’s still not produced it. My next appointment was on the fourth but that’s not quick enough for him. Instead he’s proceeded to use emotional blackmail, threats, manipulation and just prior to this laying on his nicest and supportive stance – I knew I should have been suspicious. As anyone knows getting these continuos texts of varying degrees of pressure cause a spike in cortisol. My head has throbbed, my anxiety has peaked, I’ve self doubted, felt guilty for exerting my own right, I’ve felt sick, sad, used . It’s just been an onslaught of much unnecessary stress. In the end I contacted my lawyers office and they have got me in the day before my hospital appointment. It’s an early afternoon so he’ll have to look after the kids – I’m not dragging all 4 to my lawyers office. So we’ve all bowed down to his needs and as usual he’s told me it’s not his fault, it’s a myriad of other people’s faults. 

Having felt more comfortable with our communication in the friend zone – but not trusting him, I’m realising that maybe he can’t be a friend at all. In fact if it weren’t for the kids or this house business I’d rather not have him in my life at all.

He’s not a man of substance or integrity. In fact he’s hardly a man at all. I should have stood by my initial instincts when I met him, that is, he was immature and naive. But everything is easier in hindsight. At least I have the 4 most amazing children.

So today I’m feeling predominantly unwell and affected by all the different things going on. The irony is that the stress is not my fault, one is my ex husband, one is the abuse of someone else and the other is my hospital appointment for a health issue – although I suppose it’s my body so that could be construed as my fault.

It feels good to say that, it’s not my fault! Because I have handled the other situations remarkably well and with more honesty and intergrity than I could ever imagine getting in return.

Men are inheritantly selfish, self absorbed and have about as much compassion as a rock. 

Have I mentioned I need a holiday?!

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