The issue that is ongoing ‘the thing’ has almost pushed me to breaking point. After ongoing calls and paperwork it was arranged that I’d go into the local police station and relinquish an old phone and the subject of this current phone came up. I had my son with me and he was tired and irritable, I didn’t want to be in the damn police station and I certainly didn’t want to be without my phone for a few days. My phone is my contact for my family and friends, my calendar, my emails – not unlike most people my phone is integral to managing my daily events. Furthermore as a sufferer of PTSD, it can be my literal lifeline when I’m struggling with panic. I don’t care how much people moan about the technological age, for me it’s part of my being and handing over passwords and account information already felt like a violation, let alone my primary method of communication.
So I excused myself to buy a prepay phone but ended up having a massive meltdown in the mall with my son in tow. Poor boy doesn’t deserve this exposure. We cut his kindy hours to spend more quality time with me. Not watch me fall to pieces.
I have to say, while in the grips of a myriad of strong emotions, panic, anxiety, loss of control, guilt, shame, loneliness, fear – it’s really hard to manage a tired and hungry 4 year old. I’m certainly being put through my paces in terms of how much I can handle at any one time.
Mummy guilt ended up presiding and I bought him a small toy from a shop. Eager to make him happy and forget his miserable day with his miserable mother.
All evening I’ve felt ill. Tired, headache, nausea. It was a late finish for S, the kids were hyper this afternoon and I honestly didn’t think I’d cope much longer.
I’ve taken a long bath – ironically dropped my iPhone from a height, although luckily it didn’t smash but the noise alone nearly caused me a heart attack. I’m on edge, restless and acutely aware that at any time my accounts could be accessed remotely. It’s a horrible feeling. I just want this period of time over. Hopefully it’s days at most.
S goes away again so I’m alone with the kids. Still up at the house. I have heard from my property manager about potentially finding a new place that’s quiet. That would be a good resolution.
I have my hospital appointment next week for the upper GI that I’ve been dreading. That too will excerberate my PTSD symptoms.
I feel like I’m going through another rough patch but fortunately my mood isn’t becoming dark and morose. Instead I’m trying to get through everything as it happens and remind myself it’s all passing. Nothing is permanent, right?
I’ve still not had therapy in months now. I guess I’ve gotten used to internalizing again. But I feel that talking everything out won’t make much difference. I was booked on a psychodrama course this weekend but I almost can’t be bothered to listen to anyone else’s crap! As harsh as that sounds. I’m trying to put one foot in front of the other here and watching people hash out their own issues sounds almost claustrophobic.
I think I need a holiday!