Yesterday was nothing short of madness. It was a ‘teacher training day’ coincidentally before a long weekend. And I had stuff I needed to sign, print and scan that was highly confidential and relating to ‘the thing.’ I know, grrrroan.
So I bundled the kids into the car on a miserable wet day and headed for the library. Thankfully they were awesome and were kept busy on the computers doing their homework- I know, weird right?! And H enjoyed the Disney movie
So I was left to the usual technical problems and glitches that usually happen when it seems so easy in theory to print and scan.
Task completed I bundled the hungry monsters back into the car for a late breakfast and early lunch, by way of saying thank you for your patience and being good.
It was a lovely part of the day
Going back to the house it hit me, during this week I’ve stayed incredibly on top of things. Everywhere tidy and in terms of my own feelings, everything compartmentalised. I was determined not to break down or think too much about any of my experiences, the lawyer and the ‘the thing.’ Although that was marginally ruined by S’s lawyer forwarding a rather unhelpful letter to mine re the house and now my lawyer is on holiday for a week!
When S came back his approach had changed. Neither angry or irritated he seemed sad. He was desperate and really playing at the heart for my understanding of signing the paperwork. I swear to god ordinarily I would have caved right there, anything to make him happy and done what he wanted. But something in my gut has shifted. His ploy was less desperate and more game play. I played my resolve without dispute. We both have lawyers, they will discuss it. We will remain civil but I won’t do anything without hearing from my lawyer.
I realise that I don’t trust him. He had all of these meetings, made these assumptions and didn’t expect me to do anything but trust him. But really his actions haven’t gained my trust recently. Prior to him ending it officially (while I was away) all of our accounts, his meetings with the IRD, banks etc have almost be conducted in secret. I’ve been excluded from everything. And as I said before, spousal maintenance has been treated like a ‘favour.’
I don’t think he appreciates this new resolve of mine.
Later that evening I decided to stay, I was tired, needed shopping for my house and was enjoying the kids. Plus I’d got movies to watch. He got some wine (I’ve not drunk for MONTHS and some chocolate- which I’ve not eaten for months either). It should have felt like the old days. I suppose I was supposed to feel nostalgic and get emotional about my feelings. But I didn’t. It felt like I was watching movies with a mate. Things bubbled away in my mind, new knowledge, aspects of ‘the thing’ but I had no desire to share it. In fact I’ve been become increasingly aware of how important keeping things close to my chest is.
This morning I was treated as an over staying guest. S made a few comments about my movements and my leaving. Usually I’d get emotional but I’m not! In fact I’m pretty pissed off! This is MY house and I’m not the housekeeper/nanny that’s done a job and I won’t just bugger off because I’ve completed my role!
I think he’s being rather rude! But I’m no longer a sobbing wreck, begging to be loved and protected and supported.
I’m an ex wife who’s utilising the right to have a lawyer to advocate for me. I’m a mother spending time with my kids on a holiday in a house I’m ALLOWED to be in and I’m managing a hell of a lot of stress without the support and/or input from someone who’s frankly primary concern is themself.
In short I don’t really care what he thinks or feels anymore. I can’t read him because I don’t know him, and I don’t know him, so I can’t trust him.
He is my children’s father and just someone that I used to know. But I’m keeping it civil of course 😉