After my meeting with my lawyer and subsequent post, I felt a bit more confident with proceedings and although S has been pretty angry with me and in almost denial about what is fair, I realise objectively that he’s made assumptions about me and made decisions and had private chats with his family all the while thinking I’ll just go along with whatever and when I don’t, I get treated like the bad guy. It’s almost almost a form of gaslighting.
I’ve dared to consider what my future might look like and how I’ve been someone’s wife for so long I’ve forgotten who I really am. Perhaps there is hope in me finding peace.
Of course, as with all things, nothing is smooth sailing.
I’ve had a long chat with someone and although i blog openly and honestly about everything in my life, right now, I really can’t. And it’s horrible. I haven’t even talked to anyone about what’s going on. I’ve struggled with the idea of writing anything the last few days because it’s incredibly annoying when people refer to something ambiguously without being open about it.
You just have to trust me that right now I can’t elaborate on it. But it has involved a lot of overseas calling and triggering conversations. I have this terrible weight on my shoulders and I’m questioning myself constantly.
S is away this week so it’s just been me and the kids. After a long night of calls (time difference) and follow up emails I’m absolutely shattered and distracted. But I’m trying my best to be there for the kids and as usual maintain a tidy house. Cooking elaborate dinners with love for the little guys and ensuring every day they have clean clothes and good lunches. Not different from any other mother really. But this depression is still crushing and the further isolation around this issue is really dragging me down. But when I consider it overall I think it’s best I’m just honest about everything, deal with guilt and other tucked away mixed emotions and let the cards fall as they do.
I have been subject to abuse and degradation for too long. No more. And not when I know other people are getting hurt.
So forgive me for this annoying post, I will talk about it openly later on.
To add to that I have an appointment with my lawyer this afternoon and my son will have to come with me. It’s unfortunate for him but she’s very busy and we need to follow up from the last conversation and subsequent paperwork. I have to deal with this and I have to learn to count on myself from now on. By Xmas I should be 10x stronger and ready for the new year with some better ideas about the future.
I just need to get on with these gigantic hurdles at the moment and hope I’m doing the right thing.