Seeing my lawyer this afternoon I decided to blog again. I was feeling anxious and expected to leave feeling quite drained. I had to take my son, but he was quite happy playing and colouring in with the receptionist. I’m glad he didn’t have to sit in and listen to our chat.
I’m sure people who read this blog have opinions on my marital state and my own emotive reflections. But the Lawyer sees everything objectively, well, of course there’s a bias, I am her client! But sees the facts, she interprets actions and lays out her coarse and completely unrestrained opinion. It doesn’t upset me though. Last time, I started looking at things objectively. Why wasn’t I considered with the house situation? Why were there covert meetings and assumptions? Why is the spousal maintenance situation seen as a favour as opposed to legal obligation? And why is S nice and charming when he needs something, but bitter and angry when I don’t oblige him or called selfish and insinuated I’m nuts because I stand up for myself?
I also talked to her about the situation overseas. She summed it up in about 2 minutes. Brutally accurately and made me realise that I was not at fault. I needed that outlet. I needed to talk to someone.
She’s taking control of the separation – and to be honest she’s the first person I’ve trusted in a LONG time. Not because she’s legally obligated to maintain my confidence, not because she’s paid to help me, those are reasons that I’d be less inclined to trust her considering ‘the thing’ but because shes got integrity. Because she’s honest. Because she doesn’t have time for niceties for or bullshit. Because when she talks to me, nothing in me questions her motives. I’ve not had that in my life for such a long time. Her actions denote trustworthiness.
My relationship with S was over a long time, but there’s been this dead air between us. Me floating in and out of denial. Me feeling afraid of the unknown. But S has known. He’s known his future, he’s brought in his family, he’s chatted to lawyers about finances and to me his actions haven’t been consistent. I realise the only commonality we have now is the children. I realise there is going to be a long battle ahead, but I think I’m learning to deal with things myself. In fact, I don’t think I realised just how much I have achieved by myself and have managed alone.
I think I’ve been ready to confide in the lawyer and trust her opinion. i think I’m ready to face this stuff overseas. And in all of these changes, I’ve been doing it alone.
It flips and flops, I feel adulation and I feel contemplative, I feel anxious and I feel sad.
But above all, I feel confident that I have myself and I’m not ending one journey, I’m starting a new journey.