Lost

It feels like ages since I’ve blogged. I guess I was hoping to write that I was on top of the world and had all these amazing plans for the future. Sadly that is not the case. In fact I’m beginning to wonder if I will remain in a lower state of normal forever. 

That said, I’ve been busy making the Spring holiday special for my children. I’ve packed lots of outings in, so far we’ve been to the movies, my son’s first cinema experience!


And we’ve been swimming, out to the local park and to visit a Lego exhibit. Previously the kids have been put in holiday programmes, but as I’m around I wanted them to have really good memories and I didn’t want my depression to dictate to me again. It’s not been easy. Every morning I wake up still tired, full of anxiety and a complete physical lethargy that makes me want to curl up on the couch and not move all day. I have to push myself physically and mentally to get going. Baring in mind I’ve been staying at the house so I am also constantly mindful to keep the place tidy and laundry done. It’s pushed me beyond what I thought I’d be capable of. I also received notice from the government department that gives out student allowances that mine is cancelled. The reason is because I changed institutions, so they regarded my withdrawal as points against me. I couldn’t believe it when I heard that. I rely on the student allowance with costs and I felt like someone had pulled a plug on me. I could appeal the decision but to be honest, I don’t have the energy, inclination to even belief in myself. When I got the news I sobbed like a baby. Yes, uni has been a struggle for me, but I had decided to sort it out after the school holidays. Now the decision has been made for me. I didn’t think I’d be able to carry on with the holiday plans. But it’s not about me, it’s about my kids and they’re relying on me. I’m glad that I’ve been able to keep going and give them the best of me.

Next week I have already made some plans, being careful with budget, but I’m also mindful that the week denotes the end of my purpose. The end of my planning, the end of my need to stay motivated. I have no plans in place to deal with this.

Day to day is easier for me. But the future seems scary and uncertain to me. For one, this rental house won’t work for me. The neighbors are just too noisy. I can’t handle revving cars at 1am, the constant parties and loud music on a Sunday morning. I’ve tried to adapt to surburbun life but I can’t stand all the noise. Which is a shame because the house itself is perfect for me. So do I face a move next year? Part of me is considering going to Australia. Just travelling around and getting work where I can. It’s cheap to fly between here and there. But the kids?? To not see them as regularly will be so painful. But New Zealand doesn’t feel like my home and I feel the need to explore and find myself again. Be more in control of my destiny. 

I’m conflicted about the best way forward. But my existence at the moment is living hand to mouth and trying to get by each day. I feel trapped and stuck. Although I realise that’s part the depression as well. 

I feel like I’ve been thrown another curveball and I’m unsure how to deal with it. I need some inspiration and I need to feel strong again. I need to feel empowered and positive about the future. But where to start?

S has found his perfect career and is incredibly happy and adjusted. The break up was clearly the best thing for him. In fact, at times I wonder just how long ago he stopped loving me. How long was he waiting for us to end properly? Funny, I was like he is now before we met. I have completely lost myself during our time together. I no longer like who I am and what I’ve become. I’m drained. The marriage sucked me dry and spat me out with nothing.

What will happen next?

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