This isn’t going to be a fluff piece or an opinion piece, I just wanted to elaborate on my own feelings before explaining my day yesterday.
I believe everyone has the right to practice their own religious beliefs, I take an interest in all cultures and religions, hence why I’ve travelled extensively. Personally I don’t believe in God, Christ and I don’t interpret the bible in any way to suit my intentions. I do take issue when people use religious arguments in social issues like gay marriage or abortion for example. Being religious and judging people is the ultimate in hypocrisy and I think people like that are responsible for causing a bad name to religious groups. I think people should be able to live in peace, follow their faiths without living in fear of persecution as I believe people without faith should be able to live without religious propaganda.
I’d like to think there was more to life than flesh and bones. I’d like to think we have souls or an energy that is left behind when we die. Just because I like to think it, doesn’t mean I profess to state it as a fact. I listen with an open mind when people talk about feeling someone close when they’ve died and let’s be honest, there’s too many people who have had other worldly experiences to be immediately dismissive. That said, I will avoid seances and I wouldn’t dabble with a Ouija board. I mean – who can say for sure, right?!
So, this being said I went to a fair in town yesterday for the ‘Mind Body and Spirit.’ There were psychics/clairvoyants there, I know there’s some correct reference but it depends on the person. A guy was there that I’d been introduced to in the past a friend’s psychic and we bumped into each other by chance. Or did we?! I’d taken his business card, he’s on Facebook too – it’s the modern era people! So he was there at this fair thing, I didn’t know he was going to be there. I booked my 20 mins and paid my $15 and sat skeptively waiting for my turn.
He held my hands and I guess formed some opinions about me. Some were clearly visible signs he read quickly – no wedding ring, child-bearing age, wet hair from a late morning start. So I’m probably either married or recently single, seeking out a psychic means I’m clearly at a crossroads in my life and looking for some advice and the wet hair means I’m probably a late riser,it was a weekend day, so probably lying in because of early starts with the kids most mornings. First he ascertained the child aspect, my emotional response to the reference, and then gauged my reaction to a relationship. I’m not easily bought! He went on to say that there was someone looking after me, a woman, motherly, possibly a Nan. Unfortunately my poker face fell and I teared up because I was incredibly close to my nan. He went with the nan thread but some of the things he said were undeniably close to the truth. The things that really stood out was there my Nan is with me at night when I cry. That my ex husband isn’t a bad guy but is immature, and that I need to make more of an effort to cut the emotional ties to him because I need to move on.
He also suggested that I was convenient for him, easy to be taken advantage of. Which is exactly what my lawyer said, because I look after the kids all the time and I can drop everything at a moments notice to be there for them. But I love my kids, I love being around them, so I can’t help that.
I did leave feeling emotional, the references to my Nan seeing my tears and the fairly blatant, that stage of your life is over was hard to hear. Although necessary and it won’t be the last time.
S asked about the fair and I mentioned a few things which of course he took the piss about. He doesn’t believe in any of that stuff and thinks I’m just nuts to want anything to do with it. Of course, if he was actually a nice guy he would have appreciated that I found comfort and knew that hearing my Nan’s reference was incredibly emotive to me.
I actually felt exhausted so had a quick nap before taking the kids out. While I slept I dreamt about my ex and I. Me begging for him back, feeling incomplete without him. Feeling blame and a tidal wave of grief. But when I woke up, the residual feelings were from the dream. It was like I was being shown how I used to feel but now I simply don’t. It was weird to wake up feeling the heartache as a memory but not a current sadness. It weighed with me all evening, but I knew it was a memory and nothing more powerful. I look at him now and hear some of the things he says and I see someone who if I met NOW, I wouldn’t be attracted too at all. I feel like I need to be loved, and I miss affection, but I wouldn’t get that need fulfilled from him. He’s too selfish for one. I need a real connection. The guy did say that I fear being alone forever – that’s true, I do, but I would meet someone and be happy once I was able to let go of all the separation baggage and open myself up to trusting again.
Frankly, irrespective of beliefs, I was given something to mull over. And it would be nice to know my Nan was there.
Next week is going to be another shitty week. Tuesday I take my boy to try at school, he turns 5 in Jan, and that’s when they start school, then in the afternoon I see my lawyer because of S and this shitty house situation, then Weds is my hospital appointment. Which I’ve decided to get a taxi back from, as I don’t want to rely on S.
I think hostility will grow between S and I because of this house thing, I wish it could be avoided, but the only way to avoid it would be to comply and sign the house over.