Today is a bad day. I don’t understand it. I knew yesterday afternoon I was slipping but after a good night’s sleep last night I thought my mood was finally looking stable, or rather progressing.
This morning I woke up with a bad headache. Bordering on a migraine. I rifled around to find some paracetamol. I felt sluggish, and frankly miserable. The storm is still here so it pelted hail stones and it’s cold outside, winter like cold. I’m fed up of it now. I am ready for the nice weather. But I’m not usually affected mood wise by the weather. I’ve had depressive moods before in winter and summer. Believe me, it doesn’t discriminate. So, although I wanted to sleep I pushed myself to the pool. Excercise = endorphins = feeling good? I swam for about an hour. The time went quickly surprisingly. My brain kept switching off – which is probably a good thing. After pushing myself, I got in the bubbling spa as my reward. But there wasn’t the inner sense of calm or pride. I felt, nothing. When I got out of the spa the aching set in, usually I enjoy that feeling. Not today. Today I felt groggy and even more cumbersome. I got ready and forced a smile at the receptionist as I left. I needed some dinner stuff for the kids and I’m stone cold broke, so I decided to drive up to the house and see what S had, it’s not a big deal, it’s for the kids, not me, he’s usually pretty good about it. And I wanted to drop off J’s bike (there’s nowhere secure here) and finally I wanted to grab a towel, instead of using my nice ones for the pool again. When I got there I saw his brother’s car in the driveway. I was livid. His brother is 40 odd, he’s NEVER worked, he lives with his Mummy as he’s completely unable to forge a life without her. It’s the weirdest mother and son relationship. He is bloody weird, I don’t like him alone with the girls. He once told me he’d only date young girls 16-18 although he’s never had a girlfriend. He’s just this social awkward, freaky Norman Bates. He came down with his mummy and daddy, but it seems he’s not even capable of being without them for the day, so decided to spend it in what is still MY house with his brother (my ex). I was just so bloody furious. I called S, screamed some unintelligible nonsense, threw my phone across the car and drove back off. I know, I was like a petulant child. But his whole family irk me. And I just felt tired and pissed off. I just drove to my house, where I have dozed on and off.
I feel miserable to the core. I don’t understand it. I feel alone but that’s nothing new. I’m irritable and hopeless. I feel like I am drowning in overwhelming feelings. I hate it. I hate this illness, I hate this depression. I’m sick of feeling this oppressive misery, it’s squeezing me so tight I can’t breathe. I need to shower after the pool, but I can’t be bothered. I need to tidy up, can’t be bothered. I just attacked my dishwasher because I don’t have any patience and a draw got stuck. I’ve broken it now. I ran out of washing up liquid, that’s the only reason I’m using the dishwasher. What a bloody state.
I hope this day ends soon. I just want to sleep it all away.