Nightmares and pills

I took my eldest to the GP today following ongoing dizziness and tiredness. As expected she’s having a battery of blood tests, she had an ECG (which was normal) and she was checked over for signs of a virus, her BP was within range. So I strongly suspect the deficiency issue. I felt so sorry for her, the male dr listened to her chest, which meant lifting her top, and though she’s only 12, she’s very mature for her age and is beginning to grow into a developing girl. She was embarrassed and clearly uncomfortable. I looked away to ease her discomfort, and reassured her regaling stories of my past dr experiences (not the psychiatrist of course!). I hope she’s found comfort that we’re on the way to finding a solution.

To be honest, my parents never gave me any sense of my body being my own. I wasn’t talked to about what was appropriate or not, I wasn’t allowed to refuse tests and I was often forced to give affection to people, although it made me uncomfortable. Although I’ve made a conscious decision to give my children a different upbringing, I inevitably find it natural to discuss these issues with them, and encourage them to be honest with me when they feel uncomfortable about something. 

So she remains at my house and my ray of sunshine boy is here still. It’s great to be around them for this time. I’m really utilising my break. Tomorrow I have my two other daughters here and my son. Three kids will be intense (my eldest will go back to her Father) but they’re desperate to stay with me. I’ve remembered that I have group on Sunday. It’s incredible how quickly it’s come around.

I noticed today there’s a local fitness group for ‘women only’ and the hours fall when I’m not at university, I emailed the host, perhaps this will suit me. Give me some energy and force me out of the house.

I’m taking the two lithium tablets and hope to feel the effects soon. I’m not entirely happy about it,  I’m already feeling thirsty but I’m keen to manage my mental health.

The nightmares continue. Graphic, and although the public toilet scenario used to be the consistent nightmare, it seems to be around being ‘locked in’ by people now. I’m also invariably a young girl in these sceneries.  So my sense of claustrophobia and loss of control is peaking. I don’t understand what my nightmares are trying to tell me. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I’m on the precipice of a memory, but can’t quite get the full detail. I just want to take my brain out and dissect it for all the hidden answers. I know they’re in there somewhere.

Tomorrow is supposed to be therapy but I doubt I’ll make it with my eldest daughter and son here. 

Aside from popping pills, and living nightmares at night, life plods along in one continuous stream of monotony and anxiety. I awoke with a panic attack this morning. I was worried about the impact on my son, so moved away from him and attempted to ground myself. I keep forgetting to take a diazapam when this happens. I think I’ve identified why, I don’t want anything in my mouth, I’m scared I’ll choke. And choking is something I’ve been doing a lot of recently. I feel like my throat is constantly constricting and either stopping oxygen from getting in, or food going down. I wonder if my mind is still holding onto things from the night.

Sunday is also Father’s Day here. I’m not sure how this one will play after my decision to reduce family dinners out, I do have my group, but I know the kids will want to do something, they love occasions like this.

Tomorrow I need a peaceful day. I hope I can be ready for next week.


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