The depression is here, settling around me. Its an oppressive force in all regards. My body feels really heavy and cumbersome. My legs are wading through mud, my chest feels tighter and often my breathing becomes shallow and rapid, an immenent panic attack that I have to fight off. My hands are tired, even typing this is tiring. My eyes blur, eyelids heavy with tiredness. I can see the world through thick lenses. I can see the greys and the blacks, but the colours aren’t visible to me. Noises, even slight, irritate me. I feel like I’ve put hearing aids on and turned them right up. The tv is too loud, people eating is loud and offensive to my ears, in the background a dog barks and sends eletric shocks of irriation through me. Cars drive past with stereos turned right up, the revebrations of the beat feels like a drilling. Although my senses are heightened, I struggle to understand language. Its like everyone is keeping a hand over their mouth while talking to me. Words pop out, but no context. I can feel my brain trying to decipher the meaning. That means my own responses are slow. I hear my voice, its slow, so slow that I am analysing my reactions, I reacted wrong, I said the wrong thing, I’M WRONG, I’M WRONG, runs though my head.
Because I am so unfocused and everything feels loud, I came to the house. Not that I wanted support so much, rather I thought if I could see my kids, it might help ease my frayed mind. And the house is large, in a quiet area with lots of land, so I think I might have some rest. I think I’ll feel more shut away and at peace. S has kndly put on a mattress on the floor in the office for me! I must admit, this adds a little sadness to my state. Not to mention I feel stuffed in an unused room, it feels stuffy, its not comfortable and I feel removed from the family. My son doesn’t want to sleep on the mattress with me, I can understand that. Its small and for him its strange. Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not that my mind was in overdrive and not that I wasn’t tired. But I felt cramped, awkward. It worked out to be a good thing though, I was able to complete an overdue assignment from uni. My concern will be its completely nonsensical so I have asked S ro read it. Things are amicable between us. More so because I’m too tired to care or to argue. This morning he had asked me to take the kids. With a heavy dose of the anti psychotic and not much sleep, it was very hard. I ambled to the large walk in wardrobe in what used to be ‘our’ bedroom, but of course, he has taken the time to clean it out.The remainder of clothes I hadn’t got around to removing put in the office cupboard. Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised by this. Why would he continue storing my things in the bedroom?? But it still felt saddening to see that every last trace of me is removed. A further reality check. Although I am sad, there wasn’t the heartbroken sobs that usually follow. I don’t know if that means its getting easier, or I am just too down. I am not angry though, which helps. I couldn’t be bothered to shower, just throwing on clothes and my hair was/is an unwashed crazy mess (the perils of growing out a pixie cut).
I couldn’t believe I needed gas. I just made it to drop off, then to the gas station. I seethed with a grainy rage that I had to get out of my car. I hoped I might endure the process and not see anyone I know. Unfortunately not today, I was sucked into a conversation, and I had to make sure I wasn’t gritting my teeth, waiting for the chance to make my excuses and leave.
I’m grateful that the anti depressants I was already on are saving me from falling any lower. To be able to move, and dress myself is better than some of my lows. But still I move from minute to minute, unable to consider yesterday or make plans for tomorrow. Time is hanging for me, as nothing else seems to matter.Which also means my memory is terrible.
I am so bloated from this medications, swollen sausage fingers, my face is puffed, my stomach is bloated, I feel hungry and eat and then feel incredibly sick. My mouth is continually dry. But side effects are bearable when I know how much I need the medication. I need to start feeling human again. At least I am doing the basics. There is no one to cheer me on, but I can appreciate the focus I maintain.