My thoughts have been becoming increasingly dark, the world increasingly grey and 2 dimensional. My head aches every day, my mind feels stuffy, confused and stuck. My body feels heavy, movements are unnatural, almost painful, the decision to shower becomes a full blown myriad of argument between wanting to, having the energy, not bothering and forgetting. Thats just a shower, the rest of the day is marked only by the changing light, there is no desire to be part of the dark world, to find routine, to move, to function.
Its interesting how thoughts become darker and yet seem normal. To me, the other night, I wondered if I might just take all my medications and fall into a sleeping abyss and not to have endure the days anymore, the feelings, the dread. I’m considering death like one might choose an outfit. Oh, an overdose looks good today, I think i’ll give up this awkward monotony of life and check out. This looks more appealing and goes rather well with todays mood. The bitter irony is that as I’ve not been thinking outside the bedroom, I have forgotten to fill prescriptions, so although I have enough for a few days, a concoction to enter a endless sleep, I don’t have. If only I could say that id stopped my medications, thats the cause of this low, it would be mean an easily fixable solution, I start the meds again. But its not that, I’m faithfully taking the pills, but I’m still in a low. I can’t explain it. Of course, the separation has been a factor, but I thought I was doing the ‘right’ things, I was studying, I was finding my routine, I was spending quality time with the kids, I have a home, yes, I miss my ex husband, and I miss ‘our’ home, but I wasn’t falling apart. Or was I? In fact, have these last months been a gradual decline that have gone unmasked. I’ve been increasingly isolating, avoiding friends, and either not sleeping or sleeping too much. The memories, flashbacks and nightmares are increasing at a rapid and unpredictable rate. Concentration has been getting harder. General joy of things has stopped. But I thought it was a blip to manage. Turns out, I had the warning signs.
When I had the children here, the thing that worried me the most was providing for them. My oven stopped working a long time ago and I need to contact to my property manager, but as I don’t cook – whats the point for one? It hasn’t occurred to me. I don’t shop, aside from getting the odd loaf of bread, milk and cereal, but the kids, they’d want some sustenance, more than bread and cereal! I started to panic about what I could provide for the kids. I realised I needed to go out and get some things for them. My trip to the supermarket was a tunnel visioned quick affair. I felt like a hideous monster, released for the day to complete chores. I wanted to hide myself, so wore dark clothes and a hoody, and I went around without looking at anyone. I almost felt resentful that I had to go out. Why cant the kids just eat cereal?! I realised that this wouldn’t be classed the behaviour of a ‘normal’ person. I don’t care about myself, I hate going outside, my study has lapsed, I no longer care. I am exhausted, I want to sleep for a hundred years – although I know I’ll still be tired.
I also realise no one really cares about me. My ex wouldn’t know the depth of the low despite the warning signs, and frankly, its not his job to care.
I feel like I will never get through this. At least I have the awareness to recognise it for what it is. A low. But like the ones previous, I’ve worried, what if I don’t get better.
The world feels dark, my body feels old and cumbersome. Times ticks by and I wonder how will I ever get through this.