Yesterday I was still feeling very down and forlorn. I managed to force myself out of bed to get some bits for S’s birthday. The kids love giving presents and put so much care into cards, they’re just loving little guys. So I wanted to leave things for them to sort out in the afternoon. Being out in public felt quite hard to be honest. I’ve just withdrawn so much into myself. Fortunately I had a therapy session booked before the final course evening. So that was a further push I needed to follow through with that commitment. I also checked when my next appointment with the psychiatrist is so I can look at my medications. August 31st apparantly – which is good.

My therapist informed me of another death, a woman that attended the monthly survivor group meetings. I didn’t know her well, but I was aware of her diagnosis of cancer and she spoke of her plans to go off normal treatment and use herbal remedies. I know at the time we are all remarked that alternative medicine is really a complement to standard medicine rather than a complete alternative. But she seemed confident about this ‘juice’ diet thing. Sadly she succumbed to the cancer and probably equally as sad is that she still planned so much for her life. Her death was peaceful and she was surrounded by family. In a process similar to the cultural beliefs of the Maori people in New Zealand, her body lays in the family home where people can visit and pay their respects. I find it a beautiful tribute to the person and a far better way to allow grief, then for a person to be bundled away and then stuck in a coffin. But of course, it’s personal/cultural preference. Her funeral is today. I won’t go because I didn’t know her that well, but my therapist is going. It seems that death is hovering close around, and it’s so very sad for the family. I took time to consider the family and what I knew of Bruce (the lecturer) and Tessa yesterday in my session. 

I felt quite self absorbed and rather pathetic to express my fear of dying and not being found. But not only that, the whole awareness of not having achieved much, being very unremarkable. Who would care? My therapist commented that I had a real ‘presence ‘ and carried a lot of ‘power’ in my being around people, but I said that the same could be said for Trump. It wasn’t so much an opportunity to attack myself, rather the realisation that I’ve not amounted to much. Further reinforced by being at a time in my life when I have nothing to show for it. No home, no family, no career, no savings, and no impact on anyone. But I’m not suicidal, my children mean everything to me and I wouldn’t leave them with the devastating legacy of a mother that took her own life. But frankly at the moment they are paramount to my making it through each day.

My therapist remarked I’m still very much in a transition period from the separation and learning my own way. I thought I’d made some headway, but then I seem to have lapsed again.

Admittedly there are triggers and other strange body memories going on that are rocking the boat. I’ve tried to shut them down – feeling unable to cope with anything else. But perhaps I’ll use my next session to discuss these issues.

I did the evening course, I contributed and laughed, no one would have guessed that I’d been shutting myself away, that I felt so desolate and miserable. Even I was lost in the moment – fooling everyone and myself. When I got home I was going to head straight to bed, but decided to make an effort to light the fire, warm the house and eat something. Surely I deserve that much?? Just some basic care for myself.

Today I’m in two minds about going to uni. The anonymity and crowds have been helpful before, but now I feel a sense of dread. As though I’ll be confined, pushed along with the tidal wave of people, suffocated and confused. This evening is my sign language course. Missing one will put me hugely behind, so I won’t. But I hate the late end and heavy blanket of darkness I walk out into.

I’m hanging on! But I definitely feel like I’ve lost my way. Luckily it’s the midterm break from August 22nd so I can regroup and seeing my psychiatrist, she might be able to do something with my medication.

I don’t want to feel like this, but I’m not sure how to jumpstart myself either.


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