Being insignificant!

The trip away ended up being really good. I was able to move past the sadness and awkwardness with S and focus on my kids. I can’t say that going away with my ex was easy at all and I wouldn’t recommend anyone going on a ‘family’ holiday after a separation but in our case, or I suppose in my case I was able to reap the benefits of seeing my kids have fun in the snow.

I could still feel the suffocation of depression lingering on the surface. It’s a strange chemical, depression. I was removed from my usual environment, enjoying my children, yet my body felt heavy and sluggish. And I still felt demotivated and tired, but I put everything I could into ensuring the children didn’t suffer as a result of my mood and had lots of fun sledding with Harry.

Tuesday evening was predictably awful. Getting back to the house and then getting in my car to drive to my house. I arrived to a cold, dark house. I couldn’t have any of the kids over because I was at uni all day, followed by my course in the evening.

This morning was a struggle to get up. Especially as I’d made the decision to get the train, leaving my car at the station – which meant getting a connecting bus. And as my train would pass through where my course was, it made sense to stay at uni later and then train it to another town. 

But I’m really pleased that I accomplished this. Usually i can’t leave my car, it’s my safe bubble and i avoid travel at night, always avoiding public transport at night. But tonight I did it! No easy feat for a jumpy, paranoid, scared of the dark, depressed loser!

I’m feeling overwhelmed (already!) with my course work but I’ve arranged to see learning support for some advice and signed up to find peer study groups. God damn it, if I can’t do this myself – who else will?!

Tomorrow there is another 3 hour break between lectures and a late lecture so I’ll train and bus again. Saves worrying about parking and it’s giving me an unbridled sense of freedom and independence.

I’m not sure how I feel now. I’m tired from the long commute and long evening. Wednesday’s won’t continue for too many weeks, it’s only a 6 week course but then from next week on Thursday’s I signed up to a sign language course because I’ve always wanted to do that.

Hopefully I’ll establish a routine and gradually my confidence will improve and my self esteem will grow. I’m not reaching out to friends and instead I’m enjoying the anonymity of university. I’m not ready to be ‘social.’

For now I’m going to take every day as it comes and keep on keeping on. For myself. And then I intend to enjoy my weekends with my kids.

I just hope I can rely on the predictability and monotony of life at the life. I don’t need any drama or major emotional upheaval at the moment. 

I just want to be a dot! Getting through as best I can.


4 thoughts on “Being insignificant!

  1. Hi Penny
    You are a very strong women. You love your children you/brain push aside the depression and anger and give of you self to the, I’ve experience the same think while taking care of my grandmother as she died. I spent years giving of myself, so exhausted not time to think of my issues. God gave me the strength to push my depression away for years. Once she died it was a different. You saw a twinkle of a blessing, you are strong and will get stronger. Over time you will be the person you want to be. I know you suffering,
    You doing a hell of a good job considering.

    Liked by 1 person

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