I managed work yesterday and two lectures, a whole day! I really hate the work environment, it’s possibly the worst I’ve ever experienced. Everyone is really miserable so rude to each other. I’ve never worked in such a grotty, unfriendly place before.
But that’s just temporary and something I have to handle for now.
S has invited me when he takes the kids skiing at the weekend. Initially I felt upset being invited to a place that holds wonderful memories as us as a real family and a place we’ve been as a couple. But I can’t miss my kids playing in the snow and I did really appreciate the offer. Although I’ll kind of feel like a nanny on an excursion with my employer! Keeping my costs to a minimum, not getting in the way, organising the sleeping arrangements – I’ll share with the kids and spend my evenings reading and studying. It’ll certainly be interesting – if not testing.
I’m getting better with my emotions. I keep communication with S to a minimum and thanks to his unrelenting lack of compassion I realise the house we shared is no longer a place to call home. I’m so awkward, I’m actively avoiding the place. And have no inclination to stay over. I guess his consistent establishing boundaries and shy of physically repelling me he’s got his wish.
Now what happens? Does the love just die off? If I keep up this pretence of not caring will I just believe it and accept it as a state? I’m still emotional at times, but now I keep it to myself, I don’t text S, I don’t initiate conversation (unless it’s about times re the kids) and I certainly don’t expect anything from him. I think that’s been the key to my downfall previously, I still looked for a hint of reciprocated emotion, regard and an expectation he would still have my back. Plus I regarded the house as my home. Big mistakes!
It’s not an easy journey.
The sleep or lackof is still an issue. I had a couple of hours this morning from 7am. Tonight I’m having my boy over, I miss him and I’m making sure I have the girls after that. The more I see them, the less I feel cut in half.
Keeping my mind and body occupied is helping with the drag of the depression. It still lingers over me. And I think I’ll have days where getting out of bed will be harder than others, but I’m pushing through to date.
I’m literally living day by day. I can’t plan, I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel, I can’t see my future. I’m just breathing and blinking. The basics.
Sometimes I feel strong, other times I feel so weak. I have periods of self loathing, feelings of shame and very deep feelings of grief.
Hopefully this upcoming trip gives me a chance to spend special time with my kids and let me refocus. I just hope it doesn’t come at a price (going backwards, tipping me over the edge).