You know what, I can’t even be bothered to explain the argument via text between S and I. The idiocy of it, the pain of it. I’m growing so tired with the whole hard slog of coversation. And every time I think, no, he can’t possibly hurt me anymore – he finds a way to shove the knife in and twist it harder. I had so stupidly hoped for compassion, regard, a place of safety – why, WHY do I set myself up for disappointment??
Last night, again, little sleep. When I did drift off in the early hours I had a vicious dream that I met my rapist in the street. Literally, walked into each other. I was in the UK, a town local to my parents, where it happened. However, in this dream I’d had his child back when I was 14 and he was demanding to see the child. The whole thing was terrifying, I felt powerless, ashamed, and as usual, alone. It was so vivid that when I initially started to wake I thought I had a child back then which id adopted out. I was actually panicked because I couldn’t remember the baby, and terrified he would come looking. Of course, as I woke properly I realised I’d never had a baby – from the rape. In part due to the ‘friend’ that organised the morning after pill. But it had been issue when we did bump into each other a few months later. A nasty confrontation that leaves me as traumatised as the attack itself.
Anyway, I felt like shit this morning. I didn’t want to get up. Face work, face university. I tried to make excuses, fall asleep (so I could say whoops, I accidentally slept!). I focussed on the continual nausea I felt, could be a tummy bug, probably should give it a miss. What’s another day? Etc. in the end I decided to miss work but attend uni. I also text S that I intended to stay at the house during the school holidays. I figured that by surrounding myself with the energy of my kids and their love, I could thrust myself into a routine. Thus began an argument which I can’t be bothered with. But I reached out looking for some sort of safety net, a compromise and some compassion.
As I drove to uni I thought, well, if I can’t get a park, I won’t go in. Then, if I can’t find the lecture hall, screw it, I’ll leave. But against all of my screaming objectives and fears I made it to my first lecture. The room was full, every seat taken. I felt claustrophobia setting in, then breath taking anxiety. But then I realised I was just another head in the audience. No one looked, no one cared. A statistic there to listen to the lecturer. In the anonymity I found peace.
The lecture was a great introduction and I felt empowered to walk to my next lecture. It was interesting, amusing and I was reminded of why I’m there to study.
I then calmly walked back to my car, enjoying the crisp clear winters day. I drove to pick up my two younger daughters and took them to the movies, Finding Dory. They really enjoyed it and even I laughed throughout the movie.
I felt so proud of myself. Such baby steps but I’ve found a way forward today. I pushed myself through an uncomfortable period. I was my own cheer leader.
By evening I was shattered and looking forward to taking the girls to the house, seeing my son, being around my kids and feeling safe. Secure. In my home, around my things. The chaos, the warmth, the familiarity of family.
Unfortunately that wasn’t meant to be.
I ended up driving towards my place, I say towards because it’s a freezing night, I only have a fire as heating but I needed wood and the local shop was closed. So I had to drive around looking for somewhere open as my house would have remained freezing. Luckily I got some – probably the most expensive wood in the world!
I came back to a dark house. Cold, miserable and yet somehow not surprised.
So tomorrow I need to find the strength within myself to get up, head to work and then attend lectures. I do have Thursday to look forward to. S is out in the evening so I can enjoy my kids and not worry about feeling like an unwanted, disgusting, stinky dog.
If I can do tomorrow, I will have Thursday. And that’s how I need to think about it. Small pieces of something positive.
It’s just me now.
I miss the kids so much it aches. I want to breathe them in, see their faces, as crazy as it sounds, do their laundry! Care for them. Remind them I’m still there, be there for them.
If anyone had told me I’d be separated, I’d have told them they were nuts. If anyone told me that my soul mate would be the one to hurt me to such a punishing degree, I’d have told them they were truly insane.
I need to get through this.