I think I’ve finally dropped. It was brewing, but now I’ve lost it. I managed so well, working, focussing on the new house, looking forward. But the steam has gone.
Last night S and had another confronting argument. He’s so adamant in his position of being right. He won’t hear anything I say. In fairness to him, he’s made it clear that I can’t go to the house, which I consider my home and the time I spend with the kids should be at my house. Most of the times we talk I get tearful but anger replaces it, or I just shut down and go on.
I’ve reached my limit. I cried myself to sleep last night. Then I woke frequently with nightmares. Often disorientated, covered in sweat and scared. I have to admit that suicide has had more than a passing fleet in my mind. But I still have enough rationale left that I know it’ll devastate the kids, leave them confused, angry, devastated and I can’t do that to them. Last night my son walked in on my crying with S and he said, don’t cry mummy and gave me a cuddle. I felt the final pieces in me fall apart like glass. Everything hurt and the pain threatened to take my breath away.
In the last of my horrible dreams, I confronted an alternate me. In this dream I was the ‘old me’ slim, beautiful and successful in my age. The ‘real’ me approached. Fat, bitter, unattractive, unsuccessful and tried to convince the alternate that we were the same. It was a horrible, demeaning dream. I felt so ashamed, so repulsive, so pathetic.
When I awoke these feelings stayed with me. I feel sick, tired, so alone and so incredibly lost. I couldn’t even force myself out of bed. I didn’t want to face the day. I have no reason to function.
I’m going to fail at everything anyway, so why bother? Why face that failure again and again.
I am inconsequential, meaningless, unimportant. I am a vulgar person. I have no purpose, I’m not going to change the world, create a cure, make any difference.
I’m suffocating in my shame. My self loathing is oppressive.
I don’t know how to move forward anymore. I’ve forgotten the purpose. I’ve lost the motivation.
The world has turned grey.