I’ve missed therapy twice now. Sick kids again. But that’s ok, I’ve not been feeling 100% myself. In fact, I’m feeling a bit fluffy headed. Ongoing lack of sleep hasn’t helped, medication hasn’t helped that. I guess I’m feeling uncertain about a few things. And I’m having a crisis of confidence with work and uni starting next week. I’m feeling weak, unattractive, a deep sense of sadness.
I stayed away from the house as expected when the in laws came down. I had friends over at mine, but it went on late because I’ve started this course on resilience – but the course is packed and I felt a bit claustrophobic. Also, you’re kind of expected to engage in pairing up exercises and I don’t feel like being social. I’d rather just sit quietly and learn than have to talk to anyone. It’s just a part of the mood I’m in. I’m not comfortable talking with strangers at the moment.
I did go to the house on Caitlin’s birthday, I was so proud of her. I bought her a Saint Christopher necklace and some clothes
With all the ‘family’ stuff I felt much closer to S. I even institively reached out to him a couple of times but was greeted with a sheer look of disgust. When I confronted him he said he didn’t want me to touch him. At all. Ever. I think that’s why I’m feeling very unattractive, unlovable, and unsure of myself. I’ve not had affection for so long. I forgot myself in the throes of family time and ended up with a metaphorical sharp slap to the face. I’ve never been very affectionate or trusting of men, so it was a rare vulnerable moment to reach out, only to be rejected. It was an intimate initiation, just a hug.
I’ve also been having reoccurring dreams about my Nan that I was very close to. The dreams follow the same theme, I can see her or hear her and she’s clear as day. But then she suddenly disappears. I’m left with this cold, terrible loss. I feel immediately alone, heartbroken and I’m calling her back, but I know deep down she’s gone forever. I’m not sure why these dreams are plaguing me now. I used to have them about every few months, maybe even longer but now they’re every other night. She’s the one person in my family that I loved deeply and I know she loved me. And I still hate that she died. Even though I was fortunate enough to have made it back in time, I still wish she hadn’t died.
S requested I take our other kids to my house. I was bitterly disappointed because I wanted to be part of C’s first really big sleepover with her friends and truth be told, I didn’t like being banished again. It was a further reinforcement that this isn’t my house.
In fact I’ve had a lovely time with my kids
They’ve all been really good, even though I don’t have much food here for them! And the place is small. And it worked out better for C because she got to enjoy her friends without her younger siblings spooling it for her
There’s only one person that can appreciate these children, the memories, their changes as much as I can, their father. Birthdays are a reminder of what we’ve shared and what we’ve created. So it stands to reason I’m finding this change really difficult. Although he accuses me of just ‘feeling lonely’ but of course it’s much deeper than that.
So, the weekend is nearly over. I am at work and uni tomorrow and I’m beyond anxious about that. As well as disappointed I can’t spend the school holidays with the kids. They’ll have to go into a holiday programme again. It’s been really nice to spend so much time with them recently. Even though admittedly it’s been through sickness!
I really need to get to therapy this week and I really hope I can find my confidence and self belief.