Binds

Well, I’ve had a great week with the kids and in particular being there for my son. Leaving was hard as usual, but leaving S not so much. I think it’s getting easier. He doesn’t give me the comfort, compassion or even relaxed vibe I’m used to. I almost wonder if he’s doing it on purpose to make the separation easier. It’s working, because I find myself no longer wanting to reach out and touch him or seek his approval. Before, I almost had to literally sit on my hands to stop from reaching out to him, but now it’s instinctive to keep away. I tried to initiate conversation with him over the weekend and got shot down. I told him that was the last time I tried to talk to him about anything and I meant it. My priority is the children. All I care about are my children. S is the father of my children. The memories of us trickle further away, far out of reach and no longer a place I can easily wallow in. If anyone feels that a separation is beyond possible and feels that they couldn’t do it, I’m living proof its possible. For years I held onto S as my life raft, I couldn’t see my life without him. It’s a painful process, made especially harder with children involved, but it’s strange how what is considered ‘normal’ changes. Expectations gradually erode, strength becomes your own life raft and bitterness becomes a truth. And the truth is empowering.

Tomorrow I start the new job. Of course I’m incredibly anxious. I doubt my ability, my brain feels fuzzy, the pressure of it scares me, considering how I’ve been left out of the loop already with no training. I wonder if I can learn, if I can remember things. My confidence is at an all time low, my trust in myself is diminished. Part of course by the separation. Who am I now? Am I undesirable? I’m clearly unwanted and S has made it repeatedly clear that I’m not very smart with his snarky comments. What if there’s some truth to that??

I will only find out in time. But my self doubt is certainly winning out in my internal battle tonight. And the pressure of Uni starting in a few weeks will only add to that.

I want to be happy in myself. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to be free of the past and the chains that bind me to my conditioned thinking.

I used to get so much confidence and self assurance from S. Alone I have nothing to give myself. But I believe in time it will come. 

I don’t feel that I’ve lost everything. I feel that I’ve lost a man. And he is not the sum total of my worth on this earth. I am only just beginning to realise that.

I am still a mother, I am still a worthy person. And I choose to find out more about myself and what I’m capable of without the bind of a superficial marriage. Held together by routine, fear of the unknown and familiarity. Because that’s all it is. 

I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be so easily defined by a person. So easily rejected and so easily lost.

I owe my children to know that I’m a strong, independent person. I owe myself that too.

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2 thoughts on “Binds

  1. You can totally do this! New jobs are usually overwhelming the first couple of weeks and you think you will never get it but you will! Lots of endings and beginnings. Transitioning and Transforming!

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