Well, I’ve had a great week with the kids and in particular being there for my son. Leaving was hard as usual, but leaving S not so much. I think it’s getting easier. He doesn’t give me the comfort, compassion or even relaxed vibe I’m used to. I almost wonder if he’s doing it on purpose to make the separation easier. It’s working, because I find myself no longer wanting to reach out and touch him or seek his approval. Before, I almost had to literally sit on my hands to stop from reaching out to him, but now it’s instinctive to keep away. I tried to initiate conversation with him over the weekend and got shot down. I told him that was the last time I tried to talk to him about anything and I meant it. My priority is the children. All I care about are my children. S is the father of my children. The memories of us trickle further away, far out of reach and no longer a place I can easily wallow in. If anyone feels that a separation is beyond possible and feels that they couldn’t do it, I’m living proof its possible. For years I held onto S as my life raft, I couldn’t see my life without him. It’s a painful process, made especially harder with children involved, but it’s strange how what is considered ‘normal’ changes. Expectations gradually erode, strength becomes your own life raft and bitterness becomes a truth. And the truth is empowering.
Tomorrow I start the new job. Of course I’m incredibly anxious. I doubt my ability, my brain feels fuzzy, the pressure of it scares me, considering how I’ve been left out of the loop already with no training. I wonder if I can learn, if I can remember things. My confidence is at an all time low, my trust in myself is diminished. Part of course by the separation. Who am I now? Am I undesirable? I’m clearly unwanted and S has made it repeatedly clear that I’m not very smart with his snarky comments. What if there’s some truth to that??
I will only find out in time. But my self doubt is certainly winning out in my internal battle tonight. And the pressure of Uni starting in a few weeks will only add to that.
I want to be happy in myself. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to be free of the past and the chains that bind me to my conditioned thinking.
I used to get so much confidence and self assurance from S. Alone I have nothing to give myself. But I believe in time it will come.
I don’t feel that I’ve lost everything. I feel that I’ve lost a man. And he is not the sum total of my worth on this earth. I am only just beginning to realise that.
I am still a mother, I am still a worthy person. And I choose to find out more about myself and what I’m capable of without the bind of a superficial marriage. Held together by routine, fear of the unknown and familiarity. Because that’s all it is.
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be so easily defined by a person. So easily rejected and so easily lost.
I owe my children to know that I’m a strong, independent person. I owe myself that too.