Crazy Meds 

Well, I’ve seen my psychiatrist and discussed my concerns around insomnia. She understands the importance of nailing this before it affects my mood. The olanzapine has a bad effect on my liver, as well as side effects that I don’t like but there’s no doubting its capacity to work. I’m leaving that as a last option. In the interim I’m trialling an increase in antihestimine – not ideal but she feels it might work at this dose. And I have zopiclone again. I asked her if people go through periods of high tolerance and if an extended break might help. She agreed and recommended it over tamazapam which has a shorter half life. Also I have no history with zopiclone leaving me groggy. So I’m trying that again to induce some better nights sleep.

I also caught up with my boss and I’ve been asked to take on a temporary upgrade, with increase in pay and full time hours. As the current person has resigned. I’m definitely up for the challenge as I’d like to be busy and learn a lot more. But I also have a lot of self doubt. Can I really do this?? I’ve not had a position of responsibility for so long and I’m worried about my capabilities.

I’m still at the house so that I can look after Harry and now Caitlin as she’s hurt her neck. I’m essentially living back here and it’s really weird. I’m loving spending time with the kids and being amongst the chaos and feeling of family. But it’s certainly a thank less task when you’re alone. I have so much respect and regard for single parents. I know I’d feel a lot different if, at the end of the day, I could curl up with a partner that loved me and enjoy a cuddle and a glass of wine. To feel appreciated and to be cared about. Would make the days seem easier. 

Still, we know I’m out of here next week when the dreaded in laws come down. I’m surplus to requirements.

I had to miss therapy this week with my son being ill. It’s a shame because I look forward to my sessions, but my son takes precedence and I’m not going to put him in kindy for a few hours when he’s sick.

I have my appointment booked at the hospital for 9 August for my upper GI with the gastroentologist. I’m putting it to the back of my mind for now, but as it comes closer by ill be increasingly anxious. I don’t like any invasive procedures and my last upper GI was pretty traumatic a few years ago, with medical staff pinning me down. To say I’m terrified of the discomfort, claustrophobia, powerlessness, invasion, humiliation, is an understatement. I’m more concerned about the process than anything they might find.

It’s again, the PTSD. My psychiatrist asked how those symptoms were and I explained they’re there but I manage them. What other option do I have?!

I had asked S to drive me and stay with me for the procedure but now I’m having second thoughts. I need to know I’ll be safe and we don’t have that kind of relationship anymore. Like when I have nightmares here, I no longer feel able to tell him or seek comfort. In fact I’m hard pushed to think of any situation where I’d ask him for support. Aside from financial. I just feel that he doesn’t care and it’s not his job to be concerned or attentive to my needs. I’ve come to realise I still have a tendency to expect too much. And all it does is hurt me in the long run.

It’s only Thursday and I’m shattered! God knows how I’ll go when I’m back to working full time and the second trimester starts next week too! Still, at least keeping busy should keep my mind occupied and stop, what I’m beginning to identify as a slight drop in mood. Might just be lack of good sleep, and it’s certainly the stressful situation I’m in. But I’ve noticed I’ve become increasingly withdrawn, full of self doubt and I can’t stand to see my reflection. I feel fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. I’m trying my best not to wallow in it. But my mind is beginning its loop of self loathing monologue.

Of course being mid winter doesn’t help. It’s cold, dark and gloomy and raining all the time. Pretty hard to stay motivated!

Been a dragging month. Will be interesting how a busy July goes!

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