My son has been unwell and so has S. I’ve been stationed at the house to look after my boy and also keep him quiet when S has business calls. Although I’m sure he’d derive great pleasure in telling me he didn’t actually need my help if I said anything.
The last few days have ticked along almost giving a sense of normalcy. Until when we argued this evening and I’m starkly reminded not to forget my place here or rather, there lackof.
I’m not sleeping well at all. In part because of my neck and shoulder injury (my souvenir from my time in Cambodia) and no doubt the stress and anxiety of this situation.
Continued lack of sleep is usually a precursor into a change of mental health, so I’m very careful to notice that and do something. God, wouldn’t S and his parents just love this timely spiral into madness! The olanzapine has awful side effects most notably destroying my liver as what happened with the seroquel and the zopiclone doesn’t work as well. But frankly even that would be better than nothing. I long for a goods night sleep and to wake refreshed.
I’ve noticed that when I’m in my house I take regular walks and go to the gym, but here at, I should say at S’s house, I tend not to do these things as frequently. I think I become self conscience and carry a sense of unworthiness and motivation. I’m not sure of the root of that. Because I’m reminded I’m not cared for, therefore why should I care? Whereas alone I am only thinking about what’s good for me. Strange.
I’ve also noticed how S takes my traits and applies negative connotations to those. Like my need for control. But it’s a by product of my PTSD, a survival mechanism that’s triggered when I feel a sense of powerlessness. You’d think by now he’d understand that and show compassion as opposed to holding it against me. I’m working so hard to confront my demons, to change negative behaviours, to communicate more openly. And yet, when I’m here, I literally don’t feel I’ve made any progress. S has me boxed and labelled. Thoughts process and responses already predicated before I have a chance to explain how I really feel. In summary, I’m facing a battle before I even open my mouth. I sure as hell cant get anything right.
I understand why my friends are so keen for me to move on. From an objective point of view I can see myself constantly going back into the ring. And to what end?
Tomorrow I’m seeing my psychiatrist to get some sleeping medication. It’s taken too many bad experiences to bring home how looking after my mental health is so important.
My boss has also arranged for me to come into a meeting first thing. I’m especially anxious about that outcome. I’ve not had much work, the work I’ve done has been a waste of time! I know I shouldn’t stress over things I’ve no control over or predict the worse case scenario. But I think the tiredness and overall current emotional situation is leaving me more vulnerable.
At least I’ve been able to be there for my boy and have good chats with my other kids.
I hope to have work and my sleeping issues resolved tomorrow – one way or another.
At least not everything is as complicated!