Seeing red

I’d barely left my house on the way to couples therapy when I saw S in the other lane, heading the same way. I beeped and flashed at him, not getting his attention, finally to jump out at traffic lights and angrily ask him why we were going in two cars. He angrily shooed me away, indicating he was on a call. That’s hands free in case anyone gets anal about it.

Wind back. I’m working really hard to stick to a budget. Working down to my last cent. It’s not something I’ve had to do before and it’s a steep learning curve. I’m up to the challenge though and it’s amazing how much care and consideration I take into grocery shopping and any spending. Looking for the deals, thinking of the week ahead, and it’s nearly month end and I’m not living on a final dollar. Which has happened before! 

With work, it really pisses me off when I make wasted trips, that is, turn up and the person doesn’t appear. It’s a huge drain on petrol and my reimbursement isn’t enough. So yesterday I’d driven to another town begrudgingly and again I was stood up by a client. My bosses replied that of course it wasn’t wasted, at least the client knew I was true to my word! Like she gives a shit! And as my car takes at least $160 to fill up, it’s wasted on my part. I’d love to downgrade but S has the contract for it through the company so I’m stuck with this big gas guzzler.

Anyway, I was already irked at time wasted, so to see S on the highway headed the same way I immediately saw red. Not just literally – his car is red. Two cars going the same way, both paying parking fees. Why oh why didn’t he offer me a lift?? My anger from this morning mixed with my frustration at S and the fact he didn’t bother to offer me the courtesy of a lift clouded any judgement I might have had. So when we drove away from the lights I took a detour to avoid him, I didn’t want to see his stupid car. And I certainly didn’t want to follow it.

When I arrived and parked the stupid ticket machine didn’t work – everything is out to piss me off!

S waited in the wings, apologising for not being able to talk because he was on an important call. But he could no doubt sense the seething anger rippling off of me. Didn’t stop him pushing though.

So I entered the building, nothing like a flogging to end the shitty day. Another round of, isn’t S the nicest guy and I’m just this wench that’s destroyed him with my issues.

I realise my building anger was not just frustration from the day, but also a defense to the hour that I knew would result in him picking at me. And I know, I know This is something I wanted, it’s something I put my head on a platter for, played martyr for. Let S process all of his resentment towards me so that we could move forward to heathly terrain but, my god, it’s really hard to sit and listen to this, especially when his view of events is skewered and yesterday he flat out denied telling me he didn’t love me when I was in Cambodia. That was a new one on me as previously he’s admitted to it. Is this a game now? Is it malicious? If he won’t be honest, and he wasn’t particularly forthcoming about his fathers ongoing affairs or his over bearing bizarre mother (which he referred to as ‘protective’) give me a fucking break. What’s the point in this?

He’s not affecting me personally, just to be clear. I’m still very much in the place of my last blog post. Maybe even more so, in therapy I see his character defects even more and I’m less interested in pursuing a connection with any depth or meaning. Light and cordial is working for me. I don’t miss him like I used to. Just the kids, terribly. But he’ll be getting a mattress this weekend so the kids can stay over.

I’ve been busy rearranging furniture and making this place more homely and I really love how it’s coming together. I enjoy my evenings blobbing in front of the tv, or the other night I went for a walk and there were a few joggers out. It was a nice atmosphere, safe.

I just need to spend more time with my children. I miss Harry especially. His warm cuddles and his cheeky smile. My heart breaks when I think of him just up the road. So close and yet so far.

So yesterday was really just a bad day. I didn’t go to the gym either, I snacked on bagel crisps and I read in front of the fire.

How did things get to this? Why is life so complicated? More to the point, why are people so difficult?! 

I don’t know S at all. Maybe I don’t even want to know him anymore. The caring guy is long gone, and I don’t trust him or his actions anymore. After the therapy he asked the obligatory question, are you ok? But it was so insincere I could have spontaneously combusted on the spot. What, are you still trying to play nice guy?  I meekly responsed I was fine, thank you.

Then I got to my car and dug around under the seats for an old cigarette that had fallen under there a long time ago! Despite giving up, I picked off the bits of fluff and crap and I smoked that baby like a meth whore!

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