I find my heart and mind are finally becoming in sync. I have pined terribly for the loss of my best friend and husband, but not the ‘now’ the old days. I’m finally looking at him and realising how broken we are and how there’s really no going back.
It sounds obvious, and although I knew that in my logical mind, I still grieved for the loss I felt I had. I guess I even hoped we might find our way back together, stronger and more united than ever because of our experiences. But I accept that not only is that never going to happen, I don’t know him at all anymore and I feel too confined by the parameters he has set me. He has a very low opinion of me and I can’t be in a relationship like that.
I have found some peace to my realisation. I knew that things were working themselves out in my head but I didn’t appreciate what I was working towards. It struck me a few days ago. Nothing triggered it, there was no profound moment. I merely looked at him and knew my future was not with him – in that way. I realise I haven’t sought his advice or input on anything of importance and it stopped being a conscience decision a while ago.
Last night I tripped and fell over his weights that he’d left out. He turned the lights out – something he knows I hate but he just wasn’t thinking, we don’t exist for each other anymore. We don’t think about each other any more. As I fell I hit my knee but managed to get my arms out, although rather twisted. I felt sore and concerned about my new workout routine. He stifled a laugh. But there was no concern, nor apology about the weights. No hand offered to help me up. Things that I’ve come not to expect, but last night, it didn’t even hurt or make me feel bad. In fact, he could have or not have been there. I was quite indifferent.
This is a huge shift for me. My heart has been slow to catch up with the situation, and understandably so after so much history together.
He is someone that remains a big part of my life because of the children. He is someone I can watch tv with, and have a basic level of association with.
But he’s not my person anymore. Nor do I desire him to be. And I finally don’t feel sadness about that. I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel depressed. I feel like I’m being real with myself and I feel like it’s time for me to get to know me again. Enjoy myself, pursue interests and set goals. I no longer need approval, acknowledgement or even permission.
This new territory feels empowering. But also gives me hope that we can have a good friendship without the emotional baggage.
Everything is a process and I continue to trust in my ability to work things out eventually. The process is painful and no doubt there’ll be times as I work through other things that I fear I’ll never make it through. But that’s why my blog exists, to remind me of every step I take. No matter how big or small.