Today I had my own therapy. My slice of time where I can analyse the week, lament about my life and get validation for my feelings or be challenged on my emotions. I find my therapist so honest and refreshing with her perspective. I always learn something new, or recognise patterns where perhaps I had been too blinkered before.
I did talk about the couples session and the lingering resentment and anger S had after the session. How I felt he was after some sort of conflict after the session and as I wasn’t prepared to bite, he seemed to take his frustration out on our daughter. Nothing major but clearly a momentary lapse of judgement in a situation that called for more calm and insight. I have learnt over the years to practice self care after therapy, something S needs to learn with support and tools from the therapist.
I talked about my tendency toward isolation, yet I’m able to recognise that I’m going against my desire to do nothing and head out for walks or go to the gym.
I still feel very much in a period of transition and self reflection. Less able to connect with people at the moment. And that’s ok. I need this space right now. I want to be more aware of my feelings and process whatever comes up.
I’m very much identifying as a single person now. My concerns, my fears, my trials aren’t shared anymore and it’s no longer instinctive to reach out. It’s still a painful realisation but at least my heart is finally coming into an acceptance stage.
I’m really beginning to explore my core beliefs about myself and challenge my negative preconceptions about myself. I’m realising that this was a journey I was meant to take. Probably well before I settled down and had a family. But unfortunately it’s not happened that way.
And I certainly wouldn’t change my kids for the world! But luckily they’re young enough that they can reap the benefits of my strengths and contribute to the person/mother I want to be. I learn from them everyday.