S hates me. He’s so full of resentment towards me, I’m surprised he’s able to see straight sometimes, actually I’m more surprised I’m not buried under the deck!
I’m really glad I’m paying an exorbitant amount to hear the deeply imbedded resentment! That feeling was ‘marginally’ aggravated when S and I left the ‘couples therapy’ session today and he remarked it felt like a waste of time if I was going to sit there and listen to him slating me. Funny that, it was all shits and giggles for me!
The reality is, in order to move forward, a peace, a treaty, a mutual agreement needs to be met. And in order to do that, past resentments need to be aired and acknowledged. Sure, we can cordially ask each other to ‘pass the tomotoe sauce’ but anything else ends up into ‘let’s-dredge-up-absolutely-every-historic-resentment’ and I don’t want that. Not for us, not for my children. Our history together deserves more than that. And I’m strong enough that I want to listen to his pain and acknowledge what he’s experienced. Out of respect for him and consideration of our marriage. Although it seems S doesn’t think I’m capable. In fact, whenever he says what he thinks I’m thinking, i realise how little he actually knows me or respects the work I’ve been doing on myself for myself.
In fact this therapy is incredibly useful for me. It makes me really see and feel how disconnected we are, how different we are and how much has changed. These are reminders that I need, as the temptation to slide into thinking about the ‘good old days’ is painfully overwhelming at times.
I’ve recently completed a brief mechanics basis course, which I enjoyed thoroughly. Considering I couldn’t even change a tyre before. It’s empowering to feel more independent and sure of myself where my car is concerned. Especially as I spend so much time in it!
Im in deep gratitude to my friends for offering their unwavering support despite my attempts at isolation. Perhaps there is a life after separation.
Next month I start a resilience course in the evenings and also learning sign language, which is something I’ve always wanted to do. Surprisingly, although my confidence is at an all time low, I’m doing things. I’m out walking the dog, I’m back going to the gym, I’m having my own therapy sessions. I’m motivated to continue my journey, it’s been mentally and spiritually hard but enlightening and now I realise my body needs to join in too. Hence the need to look after my fitness. Or rather, get back into a regime, as I’ve really let myself go.
I’m still suffering terrible bouts of loneliness and by that I don’t mean a void filled by any bugger – which S seems to think, if that was the case, I’d have filled the hole by now. But I miss the history I have with him, the closeness and the safety. As well as my family. Our family. I miss the whole thing and sometimes it hurts so much I can barely breathe. But then I remember how different things are and how much S thinks I’m a superficial, miserable cow and I try to hang onto that! It does make it harder to love someone that can’t stand you!
I have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m enjoying learning and figuring things out. Although confronting my past and old feelings is especially painful. The effects of PTSD seem to come and go. At times I feel rested, comfortable and then suddenly for seemingly no reason at all I feel extremely unsafe, I feel panicky, I can have nightmares. It all becomes a huge tidal wave. But I choose not to share those moments with anyone, including S. Instead I try to honour my needs. Whether it be a rest, a gentle walk, reading or giving into a period of solitude.
I’m working through everything but the reality is, I still have depression, I still have PTSD. So my mind can alter or perceive a threat that may be irrational. Perhaps I’m also learning how much I relied on S for these moments. As now I have no one and I need to work through it myself.
I never imagined at this stage of my life id be back to renting. That id be single, that my wedding ring would be packed away and id spend evenings sat alone watching mindless tv. I honestly thought id met my soul mate with S and we’d be bickering over something mundane well into our old age.
But without this huge change in my life, I wouldn’t have seen how strong I am, I wouldn’t have been prepared to work so hard on myself, I wouldn’t have been as open minded, I wouldn’t have learnt to make real connections with my friends. I wouldn’t have strived to become a better person. I would have continued to take S for granted, I would have continued to be stuck in my own memories/trauma without trying to climb out. I would stayed in a relationship that had seen the end but I wouldn’t have been prepared to face it.
Now I’m dealing. I’m learning, and I’m taking what’s thrown at me. My anger at the world has dissipated because it’s a waste of energy. My sense of self is growing. My relationship with my kids is growing stronger because I’ve learnt the value of time spent with them and I see my own worth to them – which is a HUGE thing for me to finally realise.
I guess my eyes feel open. And it’s bloody challenging at times. But with growth there’s a peace, an inner peace that I definitely didn’t have before. I’m still very much at the beginning of my journey but at least I’m committed to it.