Disconnected 

Today at therapy I was feeling disconnected. I have been all week. Wednesday I only went to assertiveness evening because it was the last class. I’ve been isolating and found it hard to be in a group, so mostly I sat and listened and felt really stuck within myself. Its not that I intend to be unsocial or rude, I just can’t handle ‘people.’ I’ve been quiet on social media and not taking calls either. Fortunately with work quiet and study finished for the trimester, there’s no need for me to interact with people.

In therapy today discussing this, my therapist felt certain that I was grieving my marriage. That I was self reflecting and trying to come to terms with my change of direction. I asked her if I might sink into depression. She reassured me that most women fear depression when there’s an inner sadness that needs to be processed. So long as I feel it and not push it away and become numb, it’s all part of the process. And I am very sad. I feel raw and emotional.

Last night I’d been really looking forward to the start of the long weekend. Spending time with the kids and creating a family environment. 

S had booked J into a piano lesson and the woman only had a small window of time. After I had a hair appointment. J was late out of school and I felt really stressed. I’ve realised that rushing around, appointments back to back cause me stress, agitation and I don’t like it. So I usually avoid it. But yesterday I had to race to an address that I didn’t know. I was angry with S and made it clear in my texts. When all that was done and I was sat in the hairdressers I realised I had unfairly taken my stress out on him. So I apologised for the venting and explained how I tend to avoid these situations. He was understanding and the issue felt resolved amicably.

Later in the evening when I returned to the house I was keen to relax and spend time with the kids. But I needed to do laundry, tidy up etc. I didn’t mind this and duly went about my role in this house. 

A while later, S was keen to catch up with House of Cards, so I agreed and then he seemed to disappear. Not bothering to chase him up I watched various other programmes on sky, figuring he was busy. I also made a sandwich. Unfortunately S wasn’t happy with the mess id made and made an issue about it, referring to me as being like the kids. I was really upset about this. Maybe even overly over sensitive. But id done so much and then not tidied up a comparitively small mess. Furthermore he’d disappeared for ages only reappearing to have a go at me. I felt immediately unwelcome. I felt that the mess wasn’t really the issue. Rather that he didn’t want me around. I decided to ignore my gut instinct, but later at night time he made a comment which I couldn’t quite discern but I felt it reflected my being there. An imposition. An invasion in his space.

I spent a long night on the sofa. I was jumpy, had weird, vivid dreams. Felt very sad and lonely. I decided to get up in the night and sort more laundry. I would have driven home if not for wanting to see the kids in the morning.

In the early hours S left for work. He later apologised via text for being moody in the night, blaming a headache.

These events seem terribly mundane and trivial. But to me, they indicate a major shift. I really did feel like an over staying guest. S has become less than an acquaintance. It’s not just emotionally unavailability – it’s coldness and contempt. 

After dropping the kids off, I was glad to get to my home. Although it still doesn’t truly feel like ‘home’ at least I wasn’t staying in a place I didn’t belong.

All day I’ve been incredibly tired and withdrawn. Only just managing to find my voice at the local grocery store.

I was able to articulate all of this to the therapist. Let her make sense of it. She agrees that it sounded like S didn’t want me at the house. She understood the sense of grief and sadness. She encouraged me to not be fearful of this reality.

I’m feeling short with the kids. All that I’d planned is going wrong. I’m out of place in so many different contexts. 

I’m at the house this evening because S is out. But on his return, I’ve decided not to stay and will go back to my house. I text him this to let him know and of course he didn’t respond. I suspect he’ll be glad. 

All of this, it’s hard work. I’m glum. 

Tonight when I get back to my cold, quiet dark house I will take a strong sleeping tablet. I need the relief of a good nights sleep.

Sunday I have group for the monthly survivor meeting. It’s certainly been a full week of therapy appointments! I’m feeling quite overwhelmed.

I think being alone is the best thing for me. I’m not connected. I’m wrought, raw and vulnerable.

Nothing feels normal or balanced. 

But I’m going to try and stay in this horrible feeling. It obviously needs to come out. I just wish I knew how long it was going to take.

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