House warming and performance

Last night I had some close friends around for drinks and to see my new house. My friend made me this awesome cake 

I really enjoyed catching up with my friends and their warmth and love of my house, the support and kinship 

But something still felt ’empty.’ I drank to excess and people left in the early hours of the morning. It was fun. Different for me.

But that night I felt so lonely. I cried and couldn’t sleep despite the tiredness. I missed my kids painfully, I missed Friday night with them. I miss hanging out with S watching tv, getting take out.

I’m taking steps to embrace my new life and subsequent journey but nothing feels natural. I feel like a big part of my life is missing.

This morning I suspected I was still over the limit to drive. So it was an impatient wait while I tidied up, tried to catch up on emails. Finally when I felt more ‘with it’ aside from a painful headache, I headed up to the house. I literally couldn’t wait to be part of my family again. Hear the noise, the chaos, the warmth. Even just to be back with S. To laugh with him and feel normal.

This evening the kids performed a play for us. J on music, H and Egg performers. It was an absolute joy

Family time. So precious to me. I tried to talk with S, but he was quick to shut me down. He’s stand offish as usual, seems to have no regard for me. I miss his love and tenderness. I have no desire to date other men or even bother checking out guys. I’m so familiar with S, anything else wouldn’t match.

I’m staying over here tonight. I know, I’m not helping myself. In fact I’m just dragging out the inevitable hurt. But I just miss my family. Simple. 

I don’t know what the next few months hold. I’m scared that it could be worse from now. 

I’m definitely going to pull back on the drinking. Not that I drink a lot, but when I do, it’s to excess. And I’m not in a place in my life right now where I can let my brain be scrambled with the effects of alcohol. I do stupid things, make stupid decisions. I don’t like it.

Im continuing with the psychodrama, it challenges me, my final workshop on assertiveness is Wednesday and then I do ‘resilience’ in its place. God knows I could do with some input there. And although I missed therapy last week, I’Ve booked an urgent one next week, Monday. So much is going on for me and I need the therapeutic process to help me through it. I’m feeling out of depth right now.


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