Yesterday I felt emotional and drained after my traumatic night. I came back the house to do the laundry and I was surprised to see S here. I ended up sobbing to him about how sad and scared I was. He gave me comfort, but there felt an ‘obligation’ to it. Not the warmth and concern as he’s displayed previously. As in, a long time ago. I tried to initiate conversation about how he was feeling and he ended up unleashing his tirade on me about everything being my fault. About my selfish needs and all of my mistakes. I tried to acknowledge his anger and resentment but I wanted some clarity on how he feels aside from his anger toward me. He shut down and I ended up feeling more unwelcome and upset.
I desperately needed sleep though and despite feeling his clear disdain of me, I wanted to sleep at the house. I fell asleep after crying again. I slept deeply for a few hours, no nightmares. And only awoke when S told me he was going to get the kids.
We had planned to rent a trailer and pick up a second bed for my house. I’m keen to have the kids over as soon as possible and was delighted with a bargain I’d found online.
We all left in the cold, wintry night. On arriving 40 mins later to the place the rain came down heavily. S had been unable to get a covered trailer. But I figured the bed could dry at my house.
I’ve pulled a trailer with a bed in before, in notoriously strong Wellington winds and had to take it really easy. S promised he was keeping an eye on the trailer. On the motorway he suddenly shouted that the mattress had gone. There was nothing to do, but me getting out with my torch and walking the side of a busy motorway at night with freezing rain pouring down. I was anxious about someone swerving to avoid our mattress and have an accident so that’s what kept me focused.
Despite our best efforts, the mattress was gone. I think someone stopped and took it. There’s no other explanation. And what a great find! But I was terribly miserable. I felt the loss could have been avoided. I felt annoyed at the waste of money, and I felt annoyed that S hadn’t tried another service station to get a covered trailer. I have to worry about every last cent at the moment and to me id just lost money. Worse still, I lost the opportunity for the kids to stay over sooner.
It just added to my overall despair.
I did spend the night at the house. I needed to be around my children. I needed the affection and noise, the chaos that comes as being part of a family. And I needed to feel that I wasn’t alone.
I took a sleeping tablet and fell deeply into sleep. No nightmares, and this morning I had wonderful long cuddles with my boy as we curled up and lay in together.
I’ve been avoiding contact with my friends, not using social media, and forwarding my calls. I feel like no one understands what I’m going through. I feel like I can’t fake enthusiasm and interest. I don’t want to hear cliches and I don’t want reminding that S doesn’t care about me and he doesn’t have to, as my friends like to point out. No one I know has separated/divorced with children in the mix. And I’m sure no one has been as close to their partner as S and I were.
Today I feel a bit detached and disassociated. I’m trying to be ‘present’ and feel but I am just overwhelmed.
And yes, I’m failing with my move and adjustment.
Work is quiet and study has stopped until the second trimester in July.
Tonight I’m going to a psychodrama workshop. I hear it’s very helpful and I’m willing to try anything.
So at the moment I’m free falling. It’s fast, it’s terrifying, disorientating and lonely. I have no safety net, no one to reach out to. But if I don’t carry on putting foot in front of the other, I’m scared I’ll stop. I’m scare I’ll lose all hope and I’m scared I won’t get up again. I’m running on fear and anxiety and I don’t know when I’ll ever have a sense of normality.