I’m fully moved into my new home, which although lovely has been really upsetting – the realisation really hitting home that I’m alone.
Today I caught up with my kids and because of the bad weather, opted to go bowling. I really enjoyed it.
I think today I felt very connected to the family and in the ease of the banter and familiarity I fell into my usual place of mother and wife. I physically yearned to have my family back together again.
We returned to the house and the ache was painful. I wanted to curl up with S and watch movies while the kids curled up watching their movies and occasionally joining us.
It was so cold and miserable, I wanted to create a safe, warm home. With the love and togetherness of my family.
The pain was immense and I felt heartbreaking sorrow. With no control the tears flowed and I let the grief engulf me. I decided to head back to mine and not allow myself the lure of the comfort of my family. I will get time with my children when I get the second bed. But there is no place for me at the house with them.
I was crying with full sorrow and loneliness as I left. I can’t begin to articulate the feeling of despair and isolation. I am alone. The house isn’t my home. The man I married isn’t my soul mate anymore. Not my confidante or best friend. I am nothing to him. The kids are mine to enjoy at intervals, not the 24/7 I’m used to. My world has tilted from its axis. Nothing is the same, there is no comfort in routine, no longer sanity in predictability.
I returned to my home. It was bitterly cold, the rain hammered. I quietly went about lighting the fire, switching on lights. The silence deafening.
I miss my family.
I can only hope this gets easier with time. I have the greatest admiration for people that have made it through divorce. It’s an incredibly painful process, but those that have forged new lives must be incredibly strong and determined.
Right now I can’t imagine how I will get through the next few months. Let alone the next few days. I want to be strong, but at the moment I’m broken.