I saw my therapist yesterday. I explained my feelings as per my last blog here. As I feel I have no one to talk. Friends tell me to move on, other friends are desperate to see my new house – I appreciate their excitement but I need time to breathe. Everybody wants me to do something, be someone, but mostly be ok. I understand it comes from a place of love. And I appreciate that. But at this stage, I need to just be.
My therapist explained my current ‘limbo’ feelings as normal when ‘transitioning’ and she explained the process of stopping to feel as I move physically and emotionally forward, I can’t be impatient. I need to stop and experience my feelings. No matter how painful or uncomfortable they be. I need to process what’s going on. Feeling limbo or lost is my body’s way of telling me it can’t process. Can’t make sense of everything.
Before my afternoon session I was so busy. I was nipping to different shops to find things, heading back and forth to my home. I just didn’t stop. When I got to my therapy session and just sat, feelings started to grow over me like a cold, dark shadow. My immediate feeling was emptiness and not something I felt comfortable to experience. Food, items, nothing to fill the void. Gradually I recognised my sadness at losing my companion, my best friend and the daily, constant noise and chaos of my children/family. There was an emptiness there, it was cold and sad, but nothing could replace it.
I have grown stronger in other aspects of my life. Less impatient, less intolerant, more open minded and my therapist notes, there’s more of a softness to me. It’s hard to see these changes in the thick of it. I felt like I’d stopped growing. But I have to believe that I am. I have to believe that despite the trials and tribulations I am still becoming a better, stronger more capable version of myself.
There is weakness there too. My tolerance for people with trivial issues is hard to grapple with. I just want to tell them to get on with it, get over it. But the issues I regard as trivial are big for them. This empathy is perhaps another indicator that counselling isn’t the right course for me!
Life feels a little surreal at the moment. I’m at the house with the kids that haven’t stopped screaming at each other and creating mess. My nerves are feeling frayed. S is at my house putting together some flat pack stuff and has bought me a fridge. It’s strange that he’s there, in a new part of my life and I’m here, holding the fort in my old life.
It’s these situational paradoxes that leave me feeling unsure, floundering and intrinsically lonely. Afraid of what my future looks like. Anxious about the lack of control.
And yet in other news, yesterday evening my 11 year old daughter approached me tentatively with tears in her eyes, she whispered to me that her period had started. I was excited, but that wasn’t the reaction she wanted. So I adapted to her and acted discreetly, informatively. Fortunately I had prepared her for this day, so unlike me she didn’t think she was dying. She didn’t wonder what the hell she was going to do, she didn’t feel dirty or ashamed. Embarrassed and terrified. She was just a bit upset about the changes and about growing older! But we talked for a while and she hugged me (she’s not a huggy type) and I felt proud of my growing little girl.
Life is changing. People are changing around me. I have a duty to them and I have a duty to myself. I really don’t know where things are going for me. I sure miss a close companion to share these things with. I can only hope in time I get used to being alone. To feel, think, worry, wonder, enjoy and be at peace with life alone.