I’m not there tonight though. There are somethings I really need to finish, a fridge (our spare one is far too big), things like cutlery, a kettle, small things to larger less urgent things – like a microwave.
I simply cannot afford these things right now. Although my lawyer advised me that S should be responsible for all the costs, that hasn’t happened, I’ve incurred a lot of unexpected expenses and I’m struggling. S is being less forthcoming with the funds. And as my lawyer left the firm, I need to find another one.
I’m tired from the day’s events. I did most of the moving myself, aside from my sofas which a friend of mine turned up and helped with.
I’m truly happy with my new home. But there’s sadness of course. That I’m in this sad state of affairs. Single again, renting again, unloved and unwanted. A part of me still expects S and I to revert back and then laugh over all the silly nonsense. When he makes cutting remarks or gives me a cold look, I’m immediately shocked and feel hurt again. I don’t know why I still seek him out, expect anything at all, but I guess it’s habit. A painful habit.
I feel physically exhausted from the move, but I’m impressed at my own strength and stamina to accomplish so much alone.
I hope I can look back at this time and see it as the start of a new journey. See all the opportunity, acknowledge my emotional strength and mental determination. I hope I can congratulate myself on not falling apart and creating a new life for myself.
But this isn’t currently how I see myself. I feel like a failure, I feel lonely, I feel anxious and afraid of what the future might bring. I’m afraid of not knowing my own trajectory. I’m stressed about money, I’m stressed about my health, I’m stressed more than anything about letting my kids down. I worry about them.
Life is a challenge right now. So far I’ve not spent the day in bed wallowing and wishing the day away. I’ve focussed on each new step, setting objectives.
I want to sleep peacefully without horrid nightmares. I want to look forward to each day. And I want to have faith in myself.
I want my family to remain united. Regardless of whether S and I are together.
I am angry. I’m angry at the world for all the heartache I’ve suffered. The cruelty that’s been done to me. I’m angry that now the man I met, married, loved, started a family with, doesn’t want me anymore. I’m angry and I’m gutted.
But I have to believe that living the truth is far better than a false reality. The truth maybe inconvenient, it may cause deep wounds, but at least I’m dealing with that, rather than kidding myself each day. Pretending, putting on an act, needing to be loved so desperately I forsake my own dignity, deeply damage my own potential for happiness.
It’s tough. But I’m doing it.