I’m due to move on Monday – I’m both excited about having my own space, and deeply saddened that I won’t be part of my family anymore. At least not 24/7. But at least I’m only down the road and the kids can stay. I’m stressed about the logistics of moving because I don’t have any help.
Study – I’m feeling at a junction right now. The people in my class are very clicky, clearly one lecturer doesn’t like me and the other is a doddering fossil. I’ve lost my passion, I’ve lost the inspiration I felt. I’m doubting my capabilities and feeling the lure of just studying papers that engage me and stimulate me. But leaving this will feel like failure and I’m worried for my future.
My job is costing more to be in than I make! I drive around so much, the reimbursement is only 33 cents to the kilometre. Even the IRD recommends about 60 odd. So I’m barely breaking even. Luckily it’s a ‘casual’ basis because at the moment, I can’t afford to keep driving around.
I’ve gone into study eager to learn more about myself, to follow my passion and be open minded, but now I’ve hit a dead end. And I’m feeling unsure about how to progress.
My stomach bug lingered, I saw my GP and had bloods. It turns out I have gallstones, which explains the pain and constant nauseous feeling. I need ultrasounds but at the moment, again, the cost is too much, and I can’t afford time off study or work if I need surgery.
I saw my therapist today and talked through all of these concerns. I’m not seeking a resolution, I think I’ll know in time. I just think at the moment that so much is going on in all aspects of my life that I can’t think objectively and I can’t work out where my direction is.
I felt I was embracing a journey, but somehow I’ve got caught in the smaller details.
Earlier today I fell asleep on the couch, the exhaustion was too much, my brain is constantly trying to work things out. Trying to find sense and meaning.
My therapist told me she would be sad if I left counselling – the study of. She feels I’ll be an asset to the field as there aren’t many people like me that are prepared to change things, question things, challenge the status quo. But do I need the hassle? I grow tired of the tedious repportaire at uni. The petty arguments and bumbling disorganisation. And yet, this was my goal, my focus and I’ve worked so hard.
At least June provides a timely break to think things through and make decisions. I did contact Victoria university and with my current credits I can easily start there. Study a BA, a multitude of papers – just because they interest me.
I tried discussing this with S. A mistake. His advice is always the same. Just go back to sales and account management and earn a good salary. But I want more than that. I want to grow and learn, be challenged and have a depth to my life. Not chase sales, meet KPIs, spend my days in meetings.
Perhaps when I’m settled in my new house, with a break in June, I can figure out what it is I need to do. I can feel more settled.
I’m very much adrift without a home base. My home is a sanctuary and without the space I feel too vulnerable. Whilst this will always be my house, it won’t ever be home. I’m sad when I think about how it used to be. How we chose this house and bought it. Made it a home. But those family days are gone – at least between S and I.
So I have a multitude of emotions at the moment. But I think the sickness is dominating my capacity to work out which one is most pressing.
I believe in time I will work out what I need to do. I seek a life that’s full of passion, inspiration and fulfilment. I want to return on my journey of self awareness.
Ultimately, I trust myself.