Ground down 

At this stage, I’m feeling focussed on my immenient move, but frankly fed up and very lonely

S is focussed on his tax affairs. I’ve never seen him fight so hard for ANYTHING. Including me getting justice. And while I feel for him, a part of me feels even more rejected.

University is currently focused on all this drivel that is mundane and feels so trivial in the grand scheme of things. I fail to see how this bumbling old lecturer can possibly bring anything inspiring to the table when he seems to be stumbling his way through, like he’s been plucked out of an armchair somewhere and has no idea what’s going on in the real world. Certainly he’s so committed to his life in academia he seems completely detached from the real world.

My landlady at the flat has been so, I don’t know, essentially she doesn’t give a rats arse that I’m moving because the flat mate is so bloody disgusting. I returned on Sunday to get the rest of my stuff and there was grease all over the stove, dripped down the drawers, the place smelt and his room is even WORSE if it’s possible. I’d scrubbed that place clean just 2 weeks ago. I’ve been gone two weeks and there’s dirty plates in the fridge and some weird, gross bloody meat that’s gone off in the fridge. Why didn’t the landlady just chuck him out?!!

I’m really pleased with my place / don’t get me wrong. But I’m really starting from scratch and some acknowledgement from my old landlady would have been nice.

I’m at the house all the time now. Arguments brew under the surface. On Sunday – Mother’s Day we had a big row resulting in my throwing my kindle at S. He’s so detached and uncaring. As though our history together means nothing.

I’m moving house and there’s NO ONE to help me. Funny, when people need me they are all over me and I gladly comply, suddenly I need some help and there’s excuses.

Am I just plain unlovable? Just not worth a moment in time?

I’m fed up right now. I worked a long day yesterday, I’m tired, S met with his dad, good old dad to support with his tax stuff, as usual he gets support all the way through. I’m over here with nothing.

Just fed up. Tired of fighting for myself all the time. Tired of feeling lonely. And yet, when I get my place I intend to hide out there. I’m rushing around after the kids, all these drop offs. Trying to manage this house. I want a holiday! But most of all, I intend to embrace the isolation – fuck everybody!

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