Stomach in knots 

My stomach hurts so much, it feels like there’s an invisible hand reaching inside me and squeezing it. The last few days have been incredibly painful. I’ve had reflux for years and taken omprezole on and off. I wondered if perhaps I’d progressed to a stomach ulcer. I saw my GP today who asked if I was under much stress. Er, just a little! I’m too scared to eat because of the pain, and eating exacerbates it. I’ve had blood tests. But, like the hand infection, my body is crying out. It is demanding to be cared for. It’s demanding rest and peace. But getting nothing.

This week was insane. My daughter J has been bullied endlessly at school. We’ve spoken to the school on numerous occasions about it but nothing has changed. As such she’s become doubtful of her own abilities. She’s stopped reading at home and second guesses herself all the time. Finally on Tuesday a school kid put a video online of J being bullied. S sent it to me while I was working. I didn’t say anything, I just very calmly got into my car and drove to the school. I plucked J from her class, and very calmly (even to my surprise) spoke to the principal. I said the school should have a zero tolerance to bullying – shame on them for not doing anything.

Then we left.

J seemed comfortable and settled that I had followed through on my word – to seek resolution. As our continued communication with the school hasn’t helped. So J is out of there.

I organised a meeting with a principal at another school and was happy with the ethos of the school. I thought J might thrive in this particular environment which is more student led and offers a nurturing environment. Fortunately J was able to start the next day. And so far she’s been flourishing. She’s contented, she’s reading again and certainly seems less miserable.

The morning drop off at three different locations is a bit a nuisance. There’s no need to move my other two daughters and my son won’t start for another year, when he does, he’ll go to J’s school.

I’ve also found the perfect house. It’s the right size, it has a log burner (which I really wanted) and a cute and manageable backyard. The current tenant is a nurse and is breaking her lease to move to Australia. It’s within 5 mins of the house in case there’s any issue, and with extra rooms the kids can come and stay with me easily. I’m both excited by this new prospect, but feel the grief again over the end of my marriage.

I move in two weeks. Which I’m already stressing about because it’s a Monday and everyone is working. So it’ll be a hard slog on my own.

I’m still getting so much from therapy. It’s very intense, and I’ve already started to notice a shift in my nightmares, new information coming through that I need to process, acknowledge and work through. It’s incredibly difficult. But as I say, I’m open to the learning and to the changes. I just wish I had the opportunity to recuperate after a therapy session.

Work has been very busy. I seem to be constantly driving and on the phone at the moment. It’s good for my income, but it’s stressful at times. I need to be in so many places at once.

Study, fortunately is slowing down. I have one final assignment due for this trismeter. The decrease in lectures has made it possible for me to work longer hours. While juggling therapy, looking after the kids, looking for a house, organising the school!

If I didn’t have this move coming up, I’d definitely spring for a holiday now! The colder months are here, it’s been raining all day and I’d love the opportunity to dunk in a hot pool in Rotorua where I normally escape to when I need to recharge.

I’m looking forward to the move. I think S is too. He’s been getting pretty scratchy with me. I think he’s ready to be totally apart from me. Unfortunately I’m still struggling with that. Even though at times he’s being outright mean. I wish it were so easy to switch off my feelings. But it’s the familiarity and the history. It’s so strong and deep. Especially when it comes to our children. I’m dreading that final break of our family. But I know it’s the right journey. I just have to believe that like everything else, I will survive it and come out stronger for it.

So I’m lying here with a wicked tummy ache. S is currently away in Auckland. I’ve tidied up and done the laundry, kids are in bed. Tomorrow is going to be very long! Especially as I’ve worked all week, and I’m in dire need of a goodnights sleep. But I’ll enjoy my time with my babies. They really do mean the absolute world to me. I’m so proud of them. 

Eugh, stomach going again. I need to be strong, but I’m stressed about so many things right now. 


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