Limbo again!

I’m feeling really run down. My skin infection on my hands is so bad. Third round of antibiotics hasn’t cleared it, so it’s cracked and bleeding. I have a referral to a skin clink this week.

I’ve missed two lectures because of work. I need the income but the missed work unsettles me and my routine. 

I’ve decided this flat isn’t going to work for me. I love the little cottage but my flat mate is disturbingly disgusting. He doesn’t shower and it seems he doesn’t brush his teeth. The sofa and the nice pillows I bought stink of rotting, mouldy flesh. Men can smell bad, but this is off the scale. I’m taking such good care of the little place with regular cleaning but I’m alone in doing this. The bucket of water I use for the floor quickly turns black, dust accumulates and he doesn’t care. I clean the stove top regularly but he comes and cooks greasy foods and doesn’t think to wipe it after. I can point out a few things to him, but when someone has such little regard for their own self care, I’m not going to make an impact. And the landlady is friendly with his family and cooks dinner for him, so him moving out isn’t an option. I feel miserable, but accept everything is a learning curve.

So I’m back to house hunting, which is draining in itself. At the lower rents places are often poorly kept. But I honestly believe I will find the perfect little place and put my stamp on it. No flat mates to ruin the cleaning! And best all, my kids can stay whenever, which means less time at this house and less stress being around S.

I had therapy for the first time in YONKS. My therapist I know from various groups. She’s kind, worldly and very inspiring. I enjoyed my first session, it followed a night where I totally broke down and cried for hours. I allow myself to do that, I’m entitled to grieve and I refuse to apologise or stop it. It’s a painful process and needs to be done.

I’m very much on my own with all of this. S is so far removed he might as well be in another country and I’m trying to come to terms that he’s not going to change – and why should he?

I do miss affection terribly. I miss the old closeness but it’s never coming back. He’s accepted it and I know he’s gently trying to make me accept it as well.

So at the moment my skin hurts so much. I feel in limbo with the housing situation, I just want a place to call my own. I’m a bit stressed with the study/work balance. The organisation doesn’t appear to be very well structured. I have no training, fortunately I’m able to work things out for myself and work with my own initiative but I worry for my cases, letting them down. Last week the only two managers were away and I had my first case but no one to ask things to. I can only hope things make more sense in time and I can only do my best. 

I’m feeling rundown and tired but I hope I can work on these issues and get some control back.

It’s hard doing all of this alone but I think the pay off will be worth it. I deserve to be happy.

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