My weekend intensive course has finished, I feel tired from the sheer amount of information, and yet recharged. I found the whole thing enriching. I met some really inspiring women, I self reflected a lot, sat with some of my discomfort (when I usually prefer to keep busy or ignore it) and learnt about some of my behaviours and subsequent interactions.
It’s a great complement to the theory I’m learning at uni – applying skills to my own life.
On the whole I’ve had a very ‘set’ idea on the person I am. Gradually I’ve noticed areas that cause various ‘issues’ in some of my behaviours. These include the way I am so assertive about things – I become aggressive. Feeling so ‘right’ about something I start to make other people feel inferior or just ‘talked at.’ It certainly isn’t with malicious intent. But I’ve not known how to change things in the past, noticing it means I was open to changing – and this course provided useful tools. Despite my obvious confidence in some areas, I am affected by the behaviour of others – or what I perceive as negative energy towards me. I also react quickly at times, without thinking first. I need to be less reactive. I also burn myself out putting so much care and effort into my own friends – but I never ask for, or expect the same.
I’ve realised I have many faucets – mostly under developed and there are a few things I don’t like about myself. Often I go out of my way for other people at my own expense, but I realise just how much I abandon myself. How much I give away and then feel sorry for myself when I suffer the consequence, be it financial, emotional, physical.
I realise I’m not too old or to set in my ways to change things. And I accept its not an overnight overhaul! I’m continually questioning my reality and myself. Which I feel is healthy.
I let the behaviour of others impact my entire day, rudeness, someone cutting me up on the road, a complacent comment. But the issue is really me. And only I can control myself. And how I react.
My parents pigeon holed me very early on. I realise now how stifling that was. My ex husband has equally assumed to know me and know my values, know my thoughts. And to an Extent that’s fair because we’ve been together a long time and there are some idiosyncrasies that he’s privy too. But over the last few months I started to notice that where he assumed my reactions or responses to things, he’d be wrong. I couldn’t understand that. Now I’m realising that I was already changing, already considering my world.
I care very deeply about things, I’m not ashamed anymore to admit that. I am triggered by things, by the fault of no one, and I will learn to acknowledge the feelings that brings up. Be it grief, fear, anxiety, anger. I am so scared of feeling things, I tire myself out by avoiding. But that just leads to depression and other unhealthy outlets.
I intend to stay in this introspective period for a couple of days, just getting a feel for my inner self, my core conditions and self values. I intend to work on areas as they come up. I start therapy this week so I will be looking for more tools and guidance on how to find inner agreement in periods of turmoil.
I do need to establish some better self care routines as I’m worthy of self love and attention.
It’ll be interesting to see how therapy goes now I’m in the mind of being open and authentic with myself.