This afternoon I started my first day at work. Yes I have a job!! I’m really excited about it. I found out a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t want to tell anyone until it was secure. I got my contract couriered and my start date changed so I waited until everything was signed, sealed delivered and I was on the clock!
I’m working with female offenders that are released from prison. I’m supporting them to reintegrate back into society. I think it’s a great opportunity and a very rewarding position. Considering my upbringing and experiences, that could have easily been me. In my case, it was just literally luck. These women have fallen through the cracks and I’d like to be able to offer support and consistency that most wouldn’t have had before. I can work easily along side doing my degree so it’s a great opportunity and to learn and develop counselling, studying, and empowering women. My ultimate combo!
I was feeling pretty happy this afternoon, my manager is fantastic and we get on very well. I was feeling confident, professional, positive – just overall brimming with enthusiasm and hope. Something that’s been sorely missing recently. I guess in the midst of it, it’s easy to forget just how much of a divide there is between S and I. Why did I think he’d share my enthusiasm? Why did I think he’d be supportive and proud? I set myself up for a fall. I’m an idiot! Of course he doesn’t give a rats arse. Of course he’s not going to change his demeanour. It means nothing to him.
I guess the reality check was another ouchie. But I might have survived it if he didn’t then go on to oversell a hair product to me. It sounds random! But stick with me, you’ll get it! I had my hair cut into a pixie style, within an inch of its life! So I use hair product to slick it down or spike it. Naturally I’d gone for S’s products as men’s stuff is usually better for that. One big brand hair gel was used by a relative that I don’t like to see, smell or be around because there’s somethings I don’t want to remember (it’s a trigger). Especially right now when I’m getting on track. S KNOWS this. And yet, despite owning other products – he still tries to sell this product to me. I mean WTF??? Really??? I’m not going to keep saying it’s upsetting me because – well, he won’t give a shit. I mean, clearly he doesn’t already or else he wouldn’t keep doing it. So I was saying that this other hair gel that is otherwise good leaves my hair feeling hard, BOOM, there he goes again. Talking about this sodding gel. I’m sick of it. Ok, you don’t care about my job, but must you keep trying to force me into an emotional wreck too??
I had the urge to just head back to my flat, clearly yet again I’ve over stayed. But I was enjoying being around the kids so much. And I’d finally announced my new job on Facebook and had a wonderful response of support and encouragement. I felt loved, respected, people believing in me, people joining in my success, knowing how hard it’s been and how long and how hard I’ve been trying to find work. How my confidence has wavered and how many nights I’ve spent crying. Things are falling into place for me. My friends have been amazing, both here and overseas. I’m so lucky. So I have to think to myself – believe my friends, feel their love and support and forget the detrimental comments of my ex husband. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. But I have my wonderful kids too that have been so interested in this job and have been really supportive of my interviews.
So it’s my children and the support of friends that are keeping me focussed. I’m here another night because I want to be with my kids. Although I’m shut away again in the bedroom now they’re in bed, but I refuse to let S bring me down.
Tomorrow I’m heading back to mine. Friday I’m in a lecture and Friday night through the weekend I’m doing a personal development course. Entitled ‘Burn out vs self care’ it’s facilitated by the woman that does the monthly groups. Frankly I think the timing couldn’t be better, especially as I juggle professional life, study, my children and my ever complicated private life. It’s long days, but I hope to learn a lot and gain tools for good self care. Something I have put so very little into.
I’m truly so happy about this job, and I’m finally studying something that challenges me and interests me. It does feel that things are falling into place. I just wish S wasn’t able to get to me so easily. I guess it’s inevitable that I still care what he thinks and I’m still left reeling when he consciously disrespects me and my past. I just can’t get my head around his constant need to get at me.
Grow stronger maybe.
I’m certainly on the right path, I just know I’m getting where I need to be. I just need to believe in myself.