I’m feeling a bit blue this evening. So I bought some bed socks – hell, why didn’t I ever get this amazing investment before?!! And I’m curled up in bed with a new read on my kindle – which turns out be a real page turner.
A few nights ago I had this incredibly vivid dream. Witnesses came forward and my attacker was imprisoned. I felt a huge sense of relief and gratitude. The feelings were so strong I woke with them and was momentarily disoriented.
The bitter disappointment resonated with me all day. How can my case have looked so strong and then dissolved? Why haven’t I sought answers and pursued this?? I guess back then I wasn’t strong and I knew my marriage was already dissolving. Perhaps deep down I wasn’t ready to face any of it. I’ve always been a coward.
Since that dream, nightmares have followed. But I don’t talk to anyone. There isn’t anyone. It’s just this heavy weight I’m burdened to find a way to manage to carry.
The Easter weekend was long. Painfully long and in fact the kids still don’t return to school until Thursday. I was tidying, doing laundry the whole time. In the end I took a break and came back to my flat. I literally couldn’t take anymore and I was anxious about my assignments. The thing that hurts the most is that S didn’t care. He doesn’t regard my feelings of being unappreciated or taken advantage of. Again, how did we get to this? If I try to raise the issue – I’m again accused of starting an argument. Literally no subject can be discussed – unless it’s on a superficial level. I don’t like this lack of depth. With friends I have depth, I can’t see any relationship without it working. But he has plenty of resentment. Resentment and bitterness from Cambodia, to lack of trust, to my previously bad levels of communication. He can react overly angry at the slightest thing – and I know it’s deep rooted, impossible to do anything about. Aside from give it time. And in time I hope we can have a strong friendship. I want the kids to see it’s possible and feel secure with it/us.
Meanwhile I cannot express enough my relief that I moved out. Although I’m basically at the house half the time, I need this space. Being around the anger and resentment and punishing need to please and manage the house takes it toll. Especially as I learn to manage being back at uni, the emotions that come from learning about therapy and forming new friendships. As well as the battle with mental health and my nightmares bashing me around the chops all the time.
Im sad that my husband and best friend are gone. It’s a terrible grief, but again not one I want to talk about with anyone. Yet he became emotionally unavailable a long time ago. I wish I had his ability to switch off.
Last night at the house I had an overwhelming urge to reach out and hold him. Nothing sexual, just a need to feel him close. I feel that the urge was in part my need for affection but there was also a need to show him that I still cared. Cared enough to touch him, reassure him, hold him. But the fear of rejection, the fear of his awkward look and that look he’s done previously when I’ve forgotten myself was a fair warning to hold back. It’s not safe anymore. And it’s not my place anymore. He will get reassurance and warmth from his own people and he will get to talk to his own network.
I am just the housekeeper. In time I will better accept that. If nothing else, than for the children.
Today I took the girls to the pool, they were so good, it was a lovely day
My boy was upset that he had to go to kindy, when the girls stayed home. I felt like a monster. Especially after our lie in this morning…
So tonight, the bed socks and me feel quite alone, a lot cooler and a residual tiredness. Not to mention crisis of confidence over my upcoming uni days – same as I usually have.
Just need to take each day as it comes. Look after myself and trust that I will find my way. And I hope emerge a stronger, better person.