This week has been a good week and I’m feeling quite content and happy.
With S away, I had lots of tidying and laundry to do at the house – it’s not his strongest areas, but I enjoyed getting into a routine and spending time with the kids, without the pressure of S around and the atmosphere created by tension.
On my last night my middle daughter and I had a big cooking session! Catering for the different tastes of her siblings, we cooked up a storm of burgers, noodles, pizza, pasta! I’d usually stress about mess and be quite strict that they must eat what they’re given, but it was fun. The other three sat at the breakfast bar and we just chatted and cooked. It was lovely. I felt really close to them.
Afterwards there was the satisfaction of cleaning the kitchen and stacking the dishwasher leaving no evidence of the feast!
I went into uni on Thursday – the lecturer that I really respect and like and I think most people do. She mentioned that she wouldn’t take on clients that she knew she couldn’t give proper counselling too. I seized this opportunity and clarified to her that if someone had a particular criminal conviction that she knew she’d have an issue with, would she refer the client elsewhere rather than do a disservice to them. She agreed and I was really able to bring home my point that I had made in the class the week prior which I’d been slammed for.
I volunteered to be her ‘client’ in an in class example of counselling form and although I hadn’t planned to open up too much, I did talk about my fears of failure,the ‘snowball’ effect of the stress I feel, trying to be a good mother, trying to manage emotions at uni. Everyone in the class was witness to this, but I wanted to not care what anyone else thought.
During the lecture I think I reconnected with most of the class again. I spent lunch as I usually do with a Maylasian woman who talks endlessly about herself which I guess we both find carthetic! I like to listen and learn from her. The woman that cries unexpectedly joined us and before long she was getting emotional again listening to the woman! So it seems any situation can start her off!
It felt like a productive day and I tiredly headed back to my cottage for peace. It was nice to unwind in the peace and although I had planned an early night, I ended up texting my eldest daughter most of the evening and night. She wanted to spend Good Friday vlogging with a friend from school and some boy we don’t know. We weren’t comfortable with the lack of adult supervision, the knowledge that help might be harder to come by on a holiday weekend and the reality is kids with devices make for easy targets. I’m uncomfortable with this internet filming, and I’m not convinced that good decisions can be made by 11 year olds. Unfortunately our daughter saw it as a reflection of our lack of trust in her and general unhappiness about our ‘strict’ parenting came out. But she has been given more independence, it’s a slow moving graduation of trust. And Good Friday was too big of a jump. I reminded her that it’s not about trying to make her life miserable, it’s because we genuinely care about her and will see risks that she wouldn’t have considered. I’m so desperate to find a balance between being over protective and too lenient. Currently I’m not in a position to throw caution to the wind and learn from my mistakes – my daughter’s safety isn’t something I’m prepared to gamble. The reality is the town near us is pretty awful! There are drug users, housing for people with mental health issues, there are gangs and high crime. As towns go, it’s not a pleasant idyllic NZ town!
Anyway, this morning I arrived early back at the house to a total mess. Every room needed tidying, the laundry was piled up, dishes piled up I felt the pang of regret that I returned. But I just got busy and then took the dog for a walk. I’m still ploughing through the laundry and will be glad for Saturday when I get out for a few hours. I’m here now until Tuesday afternoon as the kids also have Tuesday off and S has to work. So that’s a cluster of days to think about cleaning, tidying and laundry!
I’d like to get my assignments sent off and out the way so it’s once less thing to worry about.
Aside from my duties here, it really has been a good week and I’m feeling more positive.
I did realise that instead of the sleeping tablet I ‘thought’ I was taking, i actually ploughed head first into the anti psychotic which explains why I felt hungry a lot and quite fatigued, as well as a bit foggy. I was worried I was coming down with something. But I clearly needed them. My sleep has been better and I’ve felt less anxious.
I have just finished my antibiotics but my hands aren’t fully cured. I guess I’ll be going back to the dr again.
My beautiful boy just picked these for me