Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. She had been my initial psychiatrist but moved on rotation. She’s back to stay now apparently, which is good news because she’ll offer consistent care.
My appointment turned into a lengthy session as we caught up – so much has happened! She expressed concern that I was only on venlafaxin and not a mood stabiliser as well, but I’m happy with my current situation. And my mood has been stable. Naturally I’m lower than baseline but that’s situational. Although I’m more tired and less motivated I’m still doing my uni course and I’m not isolating entirely. The only major concern was my lack of sleep which is usually a huge trigger. I’ve surprised myself by all these bad nights and not becoming unwell. The zopiclone doesn’t work and prazosin is out now because of the blood pressure medication for my migraines. We looked at different options. Quitiepiene is not an option for me anymore after experiencing a terrible restlessness with it. We decided on a sleep tablet and olanzapine. I was happy to try the anti psychotic as it will be a good buffer if I do start being affected by sleep. But it’s PRN and I need to try each one.
I’m feeling confident about looking after myself and my self awareness. Something that I think the dr agrees with. It’s strange because I relied so heavily on S in the past to help manage my moods and he’s always known the length of my moods and quantity. But realistically he hasnt supported me for a good year at least, so I’ve already proven that I can look after myself. It’s still unusual being physically apart from him and knowing he’s not my next of kin. I have tried to open up to him, but he’s made it clear he’s emotionally unavailable. I can’t blame him.
Today at uni was particularly boring so I ended up ducking out early. I was supposed to look after the kids this evening but S meeting was cancelled. That’s ok for me, I have another long day tomorrow. And as S is away next week, I will spend the week at the house with the kids.
Life continues, daily challenges and self growth.
I’m still struggling with the loneliness – but as I’ve said before, better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone.
I miss S a lot. But you can’t force someone to love you. And you can’t go back.
Be interesting to see where I’m at by the end of year. Scary!