Acceptance

University is going well. I have made some good friends already. I enjoy learning new stuff, but I live in constant anxiety of getting things wrong. And as assignments begin to accumulate, I have that horrible overwhelming feeling. But it’s just a case of being organised and methodical. Two things I really need to learn! 

I’ve attended a few seminars separate from university but relate to social matters. Through that I have garnered some great insight and again, some great networking. 

I’m busy, my mind is busy and not a day goes by where I don’t hear from a friend. 

I had intended to spend the week at the house, following a lovely weekend, and with only one lecture, I felt I could help out there more. Its not meant to be. I love my kids, I miss my son so much it feels painful to breathe at times. But I can’t stand the atmosphere. I can’t stand the awkwardness between S and I. He’s lucky because he’s totally shut down. Treats me like a relative or old mate – but without warmth or concern. Whereas I struggle with seeing him, I anticipate warmth and affection – which is ludicrous because that’s been missing for ages. He’s my oldest friend, used to be my soul mate. I expect to see the glimpse of familiarity, the tenderness, and reassurances. But there is nothing. I will get used to it. But currently each passing glance that’s empty, every feeling of coldness, the divide between us is like getting my finger stuck in a door. It’s instantaneous, painful, briefly disorientating, desperately needing some comfort, but eventually I’ll recognise the door before the slam. I’ll hold my hands away defensively. 

So I’m back at my flat. And I intend to spend my birthday tomorrow in bed and reading. Previously I’ve had to pretend for the sake of everyone else. But I have no obligations tomorrow. It can become a day like any other.

I was supposed to see a neurologist today about my migraines and shoulder. Somewhere the referral got messed up. So for the four last months I was waiting to see an orthopaedic surgeon. Of course, there wasn’t a huge amount he could do for me, aside refer me for physio. The stress and anxiety of that appointment was intense, but it turned out to be a waste of time. Now I have to wait again for a neurologist.

The infection in my hands is only slightly improving, which is annoying because the antibiotics feel like they’re ripping my stomach lining apart. I was supposed to see the gp again, but frankly right now, I don’t want the hassle.

The nightmares continue. Graphic, painful and vile. I have no idea why. Could still be the time of year. Things trigger me that I don’t expect. I haven’t been to the last couple of group therapies hoping that might kerb it. But I suspect the constant anxiety and off kilter life is feeding them. And I don’t talk to anyone about it. I have tried talking to S, but the nonchalant and of course obligatory responses are too difficult to stand. 

I’m ok though. The right things are inevitably the most painful and difficult things. University is stressful, but I want that challenge in my life. My new friends intrigue me and make me feel better about my confidence. 

I miss my husband – but as time goes by, I realise he left a long time ago and there is no going back. I still hope for the day we can be friends.

So, I’m very much alone. It’s a difficult concept to get used to. But rather physically alone than in the house, surrounded, and feeling more lonely than ever.

I’m in a difficult and stormy time of my life right now. But that was inevitable. And unlike previous storms, I ride this one, knowing that I’m actually getting somewhere.

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