Saw the gp today and the skin on my hands is infected, hence the pain and immflamation. So I’m on a course of antibiotics, steroid cream and some other lotion. I hope this works, the dr says it should be helping by Friday – otherwise we need a more aggressive approach and a referral to the skin clinic. Great. As there’s been no odd chemical exposure – it’s most certainly stress. And my immune system is shot to pieces.
I wandered around today. Bought some new shoes as we’re now technically in Autumn so it’s time to buy something other than sandals. I felt very detached. I am tired from bad nightmares and all of the self belief I was starting to acquire seemed to sink today. Could I do this course? What if I failed? What if I actually am not very smart? Will I ever find part time work? Is my attacker thinking about me? Am I letting my kids down? Have I failed as a mother? Why does my husband detest me so much – am I a really intolerable person, hard to love? What does the future hold for me? Will I always feel such a pressing sense of loneliness or will I find an inner peace? Will I ever learn/grow or am I doomed to make the same mistakes?
The truth is so hard to face. I guess anyone that separates goes through this. The self doubting, confidence crisis, the wish to return to normality, the grief of losing someone that’s been part of your existence for so long.
And I’m have a crisis of self confidence, my abilities, my strength. I don’t want to confide in friends, become a burden. So my mind churns things around like a tumble drier and I get no respite from the negative thoughts and no other objective view.
I’ve been sat reading all evening. Hands covered in thick cream. I am isolated on this peaceful farm. I think isolation is what I need most. Less likelihood of disappointing myself and others.
I think i need more time to come to terms with my new reality, my new future.
And self counselling is a requisite on this course. So I will actually have to commit to a therapist and face these demons.
I never saw my life panning out like this. I suppose a lot of people don’t. I’m feeling thrust into an unsecured, unpredictable present and future. But then, my old life wasn’t working. And I’m pretty sure there’s some firm held belief about self delusion and truth being better than living a lie. I’ve been brutally treated by men, but the saddest, is definitely when the person you love can no longer hold you, barely look at you and doesn’t talk to you anymore. When he’s quick to blame, quick to assume and no longer listens or cares.
I’m not angry. I’m beyond disappointment. But at least I’ve made my choices. I’m determining my own future.
My hands, my heart, my eyes, they weep. My body is screaming at me to love it and take care of it. There is no one else to do that for me.
I will get there. I will be a strong, independent woman that my girls will aspire to. I owe them that much, as so far, I’ve not given them any inspiration or reason to be proud. I’ve lost my husband because I failed, I won’t let that happen with my children.