Bed socks and sadness!

I’m feeling a bit blue this evening. So I bought some bed socks – hell, why didn’t I ever get this amazing investment before?!! And I’m curled up in bed with a new read on my kindle – which turns out be a real page turner.

A few nights ago I had this incredibly vivid dream. Witnesses came forward and my attacker was imprisoned. I felt a huge sense of relief and gratitude. The feelings were so strong I woke with them and was momentarily disoriented.

The bitter disappointment resonated with me all day. How can my case have looked so strong and then dissolved? Why haven’t I sought answers and pursued this?? I guess back then I wasn’t strong and I knew my marriage was already dissolving. Perhaps deep down I wasn’t ready to face any of it. I’ve always been a coward.

Since that dream, nightmares have followed. But I don’t talk to anyone. There isn’t anyone. It’s just this heavy weight I’m burdened to find a way to manage to carry.

The Easter weekend was long. Painfully long and in fact the kids still don’t return to school until Thursday. I was tidying, doing laundry the whole time. In the end I took a break and came back to my flat. I literally couldn’t take anymore and I was anxious about my assignments. The thing that hurts the most is that S didn’t care. He doesn’t regard my feelings of being unappreciated or taken advantage of. Again, how did we get to this? If I try to raise the issue – I’m again accused of starting an argument. Literally no subject can be discussed – unless it’s on a superficial level. I don’t like this lack of depth. With friends I have depth, I can’t see any relationship without it working. But he has plenty of resentment. Resentment and bitterness from Cambodia, to lack of trust, to my previously bad levels of communication. He can react overly angry at the slightest thing – and I know it’s deep rooted, impossible to do anything about. Aside from give it time. And in time I hope we can have a strong friendship. I want the kids to see it’s possible and feel secure with it/us.

Meanwhile I cannot express enough my relief that I moved out. Although I’m basically at the house half the time, I need this space. Being around the anger and resentment and punishing need to please and manage the house takes it toll. Especially as I learn to manage being back at uni, the emotions that come from learning about therapy and forming new friendships. As well as the battle with mental health and my nightmares bashing me around the chops all the time.

Im sad that my husband and best friend are gone. It’s a terrible grief, but again not one I want to talk about with anyone. Yet he became emotionally unavailable a long time ago. I wish I had his ability to switch off. 

Last night at the house I had an overwhelming urge to reach out and hold him. Nothing sexual, just a need to feel him close. I feel that the urge was in part my need for affection but there was also a need to show him that I still cared. Cared enough to touch him, reassure him, hold him. But the fear of rejection, the fear of his awkward look and that look he’s done previously when I’ve forgotten myself was a fair warning to hold back. It’s not safe anymore. And it’s not my place anymore. He will get reassurance and warmth from his own people and he will get to talk to his own network.

I am just the housekeeper. In time I will better accept that. If nothing else, than for the children.

Today I took the girls to the pool, they were so good, it was a lovely day 

  
Happy Egg!

My boy was upset that he had to go to kindy, when the girls stayed home. I felt like a monster. Especially after our lie in this morning…

  
He is the warmest softest bestest hot water bottle! 

So tonight, the bed socks and me feel quite alone, a lot cooler and a residual tiredness. Not to mention crisis of confidence over my upcoming uni days – same as I usually have. 

Just need to take each day as it comes. Look after myself and trust that I will find my way. And I hope emerge a stronger, better person.

Good week!

This week has been a good week and I’m feeling quite content and happy. 

With S away, I had lots of tidying and laundry to do at the house – it’s not his strongest areas, but I enjoyed getting into a routine and spending time with the kids, without the pressure of S around and the atmosphere created by tension.

On my last night my middle daughter and I had a big cooking session! Catering for the different tastes of her siblings, we cooked up a storm of burgers, noodles, pizza, pasta! I’d usually stress about mess and be quite strict that they must eat what they’re given, but it was fun. The other three sat at the breakfast bar and we just chatted and cooked. It was lovely. I felt really close to them. 

Afterwards there was the satisfaction of cleaning the kitchen and stacking the dishwasher leaving no evidence of the feast! 

I went into uni on Thursday – the lecturer that I really respect and like and I think most people do. She mentioned that she wouldn’t take on clients that she knew she couldn’t give proper counselling too. I seized this opportunity and clarified to her that if someone had a particular criminal conviction that she knew she’d have an issue with, would she refer the client elsewhere rather than do a disservice to them. She agreed and I was really able to bring home my point that I had made in the class the week prior which I’d been slammed for.

I volunteered to be her ‘client’ in an in class example of counselling form and although I hadn’t planned to open up too much, I did talk about my fears of failure,the ‘snowball’ effect of the stress I feel, trying to be a good mother, trying to manage emotions at uni. Everyone in the class was witness to this, but I wanted to not care what anyone else thought.

During the lecture I think I reconnected with most of the class again. I spent lunch as I usually do with a Maylasian woman who talks endlessly about herself which I guess we both find carthetic! I like to listen and learn from her. The woman that cries unexpectedly joined us and before long she was getting emotional again listening to the woman! So it seems any situation can start her off!

It felt like a productive day and I tiredly headed back to my cottage for peace. It was nice to unwind in the peace and although I had planned an early night, I ended up texting my eldest daughter most of the evening and night. She wanted to spend Good Friday vlogging with a friend from school and some boy we don’t know. We weren’t comfortable with the lack of adult supervision, the knowledge that help might be harder to come by on a holiday weekend and the reality is kids with devices make for easy targets. I’m uncomfortable with this internet filming, and I’m not convinced that good decisions can be made by 11 year olds. Unfortunately our daughter saw it as a reflection of our lack of trust in her and general unhappiness about our ‘strict’ parenting came out. But she has been given more independence, it’s a slow moving graduation of trust. And Good Friday was too big of a jump. I reminded her that it’s not about trying to make her life miserable, it’s because we genuinely care about her and will see risks that she wouldn’t have considered. I’m so desperate to find a balance between being over protective and too lenient. Currently I’m not in a position to throw caution to the wind and learn from my mistakes – my daughter’s safety isn’t something I’m prepared to gamble. The reality is the town near us is pretty awful! There are drug users, housing for people with mental health issues, there are gangs and high crime. As towns go, it’s not a pleasant idyllic NZ town!

Anyway, this morning I arrived early back at the house to a total mess. Every room needed tidying, the laundry was piled up, dishes piled up I felt the pang of regret that I returned. But I just got busy and then took the dog for a walk. I’m still ploughing through the laundry and will be glad for Saturday when I get out for a few hours. I’m here now until Tuesday afternoon as the kids also have Tuesday off and S has to work. So that’s a cluster of days to think about cleaning, tidying and laundry! 

I’d like to get my assignments sent off and out the way so it’s once less thing to worry about.

Aside from my duties here, it really has been a good week and I’m feeling more positive.

I did realise that instead of the sleeping tablet I ‘thought’ I was taking, i actually ploughed head first into the anti psychotic which explains why I felt hungry a lot and quite fatigued, as well as a bit foggy. I was worried I was coming down with something. But I clearly needed them. My sleep has been better and I’ve felt less anxious. 

I have just finished my antibiotics but my hands aren’t fully cured. I guess I’ll be going back to the dr again.

My beautiful boy just picked these for me

  
I feel so loved. My children are so precious and where this house can be stressful, it’s also hugely rewarding.

Taking it on the chin

I’m an outspoken person in life, so often I terrify the crap out of people that are more introverted or shy. The reality for me is that while I’m direct and open – I’d never attack anyone personally and if someone is upset with my view, or delivery of that view, I’m always open to discuss it. I don’t proclaim to be an expert, and I’m not stand offish. In my lectures I got into a debate before, it wasn’t  even that dramatic but a woman was reduced to tears. She wasn’t participating in the debate – but I guess the emotions got to her. There isn’t much that will reduce her to tears and a part of me wonders why she’s doing the course, if she’s really ready. But I wouldn’t say that to her.

A debate reared up and I was clear that I wouldn’t support pedohiles and/or people that condone domestic violence. Everyone in the lecture took me to town over this. Brandishing me as judgemental, not giving people a fair go etc.  although in my opinion I stayed impersonal the attacks from the class became personal. I wanted to walk out, get away from those arrows, but I refused to leave intimidated. It’s an emotive subject to me and although no one knows – I was coming from personal experience and having seen the pain caused by perpetrators – I would rather use my time on victims. After people got personal at me, that woman got emotional – again for her it was the emotions in the room, even though she didn’t participate. She started crying and everyone rushed to her side. I walked out and tried to find a quiet space so I could gather my thoughts and feelings. Not one person considered asking if I was ok. Instead I was seen as this nasty, opinionated student that had reduced a fellow classmate to tears.

I can live with the fall out. The reality is, most people wouldn’t spend their time listening to an offender, they couldn’t handle it. Which is why there are specialised services. I’m not afraid to speak my truth and people argued back with the ulteristic perspective that everyone should have counselling. If they considered that, really thought about, I’m sure even just one person would agree with me. But not in this class, no one considered it, everyone was quick to have a go.

I felt really deflated. Drained and fed up. Also annoyed that the lecturer led some of the attacks. It’s a new paper and this lecturer is a bumbling old fool. It seems just because I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve I am seen as heartless and with no compassion.

It had been a long week already, lots of lectures, lots of driving into the city which requires full concentration in the traffic so I often arrived already tired. It’s a 50 minute journey of stopping and starting and always being aware. 

When I left that lecture, as I started driving home, I felt the tears come. I’m strong, but it was an emotive subject -brought up by the lecturer, which resulted in people including the lecturer having a personal go. Something I won’t stoop to. I thought I’d be respected for my honesty, but instead I received ridicule and aggression.

I later emailed the lecturer, he emailed back. 

You can read the email below if you’re interested. Hopefully someone will find it helpful.

Anyway, his response didn’t help me. And I stewed over the situation. Finally resolving that I didn’t care anymore. Essentially it’s a degree and if I take everything personally, I might as well be like the woman that cries all the time. But I do need stronger skin. I wish I didn’t let these things affect me so much.

I’m back at the house this week as S is in Auckland for the week. Essentially that means doing the laundry and tidying from when I was last here. I only have one lecture this week.

Last weekend I had J and my son over to sleep at my place 

  
It’s a pretty small place for two kids! But I think J in particular really needed it and to experience it.

Since I’ve accepted my new place and life outside of the separation I have noticed I’m sleeping with less nightmares. I don’t open myself up to rejection by S anymore and his inability to communicate with me on anything other than a superficial level reminds me that this is never going to be a healthy, deep relationship again. I enjoy his companionship and will always see him as a good friend. But I miss romance and dating and I feel open to meeting people. Whereas before it scared me. And I felt unsure of myself. I am comfortable with being a single woman. Moving out was the best thing I could have done. I have my downtime and peace and it has helped solidify the end of my marriage and the chapter of my new life.

It’s not easy, as the other day in uni highlighted. But I can learn and I can get stronger.

I’m still considering my appointment with my psychiatrist. She raised some interesting points and I’m really keen to remain well. I have relied heavily on S in the past to help with this, but I know that I’m only accountable to myself and I need to rely on myself. The new sleeping medication is working – that God! And my anxiety levels rise and fall, but I know that’s situational. I won’t be afraid to ask for help from the psychiatrist if I need it. 

I wonder how Thursday will go – back in the lions den! At least this particular lecturer is compassionate and very aware of the class tension. She would never let things get out of control. I have a lot of respect for her and her teaching.

The email:

Hello 

Thank you for your feedback. I’m wondering if you misheard or misunderstood the brief conversation around marginalisation. Accordingly, I just want to note a couple of responses in your email below using CAPITALS to clearly differentiate the responses from your message. (See below.) 
Warm regards-

Bruce Robinson

Lecturer in Counselling

Te Hau Tapu me te Puna Oranga

Wellington Institute of Technology: Private Bag 39803, Lower Hutt 5045

Wellington, New Zealand
DDI: +64 4 931 6928

Fax: +64 4 931 6951

Email: bruce.robinson@weltec.ac.nz

http://www.weltec.ac.nz

—–Original Message—–

From: 

Sent: Friday, 18 March 2016 4:25 p.m.

To: Bruce A Robinson; 

Subject: Feedback
Hello
I’d like to express my disappointment and disheartened feelings from today’s lecture – counselling practice in NZ.
There is no question I have strong views and in my expression of these views, I keep personal attacks out of it because my views don’t concern my peers – I have nothing to gain from becoming vicious or malicious in my opinion. MORE THAN ONE PERSON SPOKE TO ME IN RELATION TO WHAT THEY EXPERIENCED AS HOSTILE STATEMENTS FROM YOU.
However, today’s example of peadophilia and the individual treatment/therapy of these people provoked my argument that I refuse to work with such people and as such I was accused of ‘marginalisation’ THIS IS THE PIECE WHERE I THINK YOU HAVE MISHEARD OR MISUNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT OF MARGINALISATION: IN FACT, YOUR POSITION WAS THE ONE BEING MARGINALISED AS IT WAS DIFFERENT FROM THAT OF OTHERS. MY PURPOSE IN RAISING THIS WAS TO NOTICE OUT LOUD THAT YOU WERE BEING PLACED IN A MARGINAL POSITION BECAUSE OF YOUR VIEWS / THAT YOU HADN’T ARRIVED AT THESE LIGHTLY OR WITHOUT CAUSE / THAT PART OF A COUNSELLOR’S TASK IS TO FULLY HEAR A PERSON’S CONCERNS REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY HAD DONE and Bruce, you made a couple of hints that perhaps counselling was the wrong career choice for me. I WONDERED WHETHER THIS WAS A GOOD CAREER CHOICE BASED ON SOME STRONG OPINIONS YOU EXPRESSED. THE REASON I APOLOGISED TO YOU FOR JOINING THE ARGUMENT WAS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THOSE STATEMENTS WERE YOURS TO MAKE (EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH YOU ON THE POSSIBILITY OF REFORMING SUCH BEHAVIOUR- I’VE SEEN TOO MANY EXAMPLES OF LIVES CHANGING FOR THE BETTER WITH GOOD SUPPORT AND COMMITMENT TO AN ABUSE-FREE LIFESTYLE). MY PROBLEM WAS THE STRAIGHT OUT REJECTION OF THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE COULD CHANGE. IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THIS IS POSSIBLE, A DIFFERENT CAREER PATH SEEMS LIKELY. HOWEVER, I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU BRING A VOICE THAT QUESTIONS TAKEN FOR GRANTED ASSUMPTIONS THAT ARE OFTEN PRESENT IN DISCUSSION AROUND COUNSELLING PRACTICE AND WELCOME THOSE. 
The class made personal attacks – which I didn’t rise to, and on the most part can ignore. I’m not stupid that I don’t know my views are controversial. I want to be a counsellor but I choose not to work with people that have committed crimes of domestic violence or sexual violence. I refer to my consistent stance that I will refer the client to someone else. I’LL BE INTERESTED TO HEAR IF YOU’VE CHANGED YOUR VIEWS ON THIS OVER TIME. 
I don’t feel this makes me any less of a viable candidate to become a trained counsellor. AGREED. I THINK IT MAY BE IMPORTANT FOR ALL WHO RESPOND WITHIN REJECTION / MARGINALISATION TO ALSO CONSIDER THAT AROUND MOST ISSUES, A WIDE VARIETY OF OPINION EXISTS- THAT MANY RESPONSES WILL BE HELPFUL.
I have worked with victims of the above crimes. I have advocated for victims, and I have also volunteered my time to work on relevant government legislation in order to make change for victims – at one point using personal experience to teach a group at parliament of the importance of these changes – which was by no means easy.
I continue to do these things because I want to support, enable, and hear the victims of these crimes.
I shared my personal experience in the interview that I didn’t have to do but chose to for the sake of honesty.
I anticipate some triggering moments, and work through that. Unlike my classmates, I don’t take everything personally. Referring to the emotional displays I have witnessed so far that have lead to further personal alienation – which I can handle because I know I haven’t directly upset anyone, rather they feel unable to handle my honest and direct approach. COUNSELLING WORKS WHEN THE TWO PARTIES WHO ENGAGE IN THAT COUNSELLING ARE ABLE TO HEAR AND ACCEPT EACH OTHER’S POSITION / POINT-OF-VIEW, INCLUDING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF DIFFERENCES IN VALUES / CULTURAL PERSPECTIVES.
My disappointment comes today because the class continued to personally attack me (oblivious to being hypocrites!) and Bruce made the situation worse by effectively (albeit with intelligence) joining in. I’M HOPING THAT AT LEAST TWO THINGS COME OUT OF YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT- 

1. IN THE SAME WAY THAT YOU HOLD CERTAIN VIEWS AND VALUES, OTHERS TOO HOLD VIEWS AND VALUES THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO THEM

2. THAT DIFFERENCE DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY GENERATE HOSTILITY. CONVERSELY, SHARING SIMILAR VIEWS DOES NOT GENERATE USEFUL / HELPFUL OUTCOMES.
If you consider after the events of today, and the contents of this email that you feel I won’t be a good counsellor than I’d appreciate a meeting to discuss this.
At this moment in time, I must confess to feeling quite upset and tired from trying to hold my own in the face of what is in essence, a hostile environment. SEE COMMENTS ABOVE, WE COULD (IF IT WAS USEFUL TO YOU) HAVE A BIT OF A CONVERSATION ABOUT STRATEGIES FOR REDUCING THE EFFECTS OF DIFFERENCE , BUT THAT’S UP TO YOU. I HOPE YOU WILL READ AND CONSIDER WHAT I HAVE SAID ABOVE IN THE SPIRIT IT WAS OFFERED- LOOKING FOR A WORKABLE SOLUTION.
Regards

Brain drugs

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. She had been my initial psychiatrist but moved on rotation. She’s back to stay now apparently, which is good news because she’ll offer consistent care.

My appointment turned into a lengthy session as we caught up – so much has happened! She expressed concern that I was only on venlafaxin and not a mood stabiliser as well, but I’m happy with my current situation. And my mood has been stable. Naturally I’m lower than baseline but that’s situational. Although I’m more tired and less motivated I’m still doing my uni course and I’m not isolating entirely. The only major concern was my lack of sleep which is usually a huge trigger. I’ve surprised myself by all these bad nights and not becoming unwell. The zopiclone doesn’t work and prazosin is out now because of the blood pressure medication for my migraines. We looked at different options. Quitiepiene is not an option for me anymore after experiencing a terrible restlessness with it. We decided on a sleep tablet and olanzapine. I was happy to try the anti psychotic as it will be a good buffer if I do start being affected by sleep. But it’s PRN and I need to try each one.

I’m feeling confident about looking after myself and my self awareness. Something that I think the dr agrees with. It’s strange because I relied so heavily on S in the past to help manage my moods and he’s always known the length of my moods and quantity. But realistically he hasnt supported me for a good year at least, so I’ve already proven that I can look after myself. It’s still unusual being physically apart from him and knowing he’s not my next of kin. I have tried to open up to him, but he’s made it clear he’s emotionally unavailable. I can’t blame him.

Today at uni was particularly boring so I ended up ducking out early. I was supposed to look after the kids this evening but S meeting was cancelled.  That’s ok for me, I have another long day tomorrow. And as S is away next week, I will spend the week at the house with the kids.

Life continues, daily challenges and self growth. 

I’m still struggling with the loneliness – but as I’ve said before, better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone.

I miss S a lot. But you can’t force someone to love you. And you can’t go back.

Be interesting to see where I’m at by the end of year. Scary!

Intense!

Today was really intense. So much information was shared, it was really interesting and I learnt a lot.

However, since the beginning of the course I’ve found myself consistently triggered by one guy. He’s had an aggressive demeanour, he’s very tall and seems to exude this darkness. Other people have commented, but for some reason it always seems to be him and I that get into verbal altercations. In part I blame my need to get control, prove to him, and myself that he doesn’t scare me. 

In a lecture today, there was ongoing bickering. Sniping at each other. But it’s his physical presence when he looms above me that always makes me feel more aggressive and defensive. 

At the end of the lecture, after a long and tiring day the lecture called us out on it. In front of everyone. Despite her comments, we still argued above her. Neither one of us wanting to back down. Other people in the class were clearly uncomfortable, there’s at least two women that always seem to be on the brink of crying. Easily affected by subject matters. Of course they seemed to take us two at loggerheads personally. 

The lecturer decided to offer us the opportunity to meet with her afterwards to find a solution. I was happy to take that approach. I wanted to understand my own triggers and also have a safe place to analyse his aggression. I trust the lecturer and felt she would find a way forward.

Initially he was angry, unwilling to talk. Short with me and swearing. Whereas I just talked to the lecturer, feeling increasingly awkward. Would he get physical? Would he wait until the meeting to take it out on me. I felt my confidence wavering, emotions starting to rise. Part of me wanted to get up and walk out and leave the course. Leave all this shit. I’m tired, my separation is a constant drain, I feel I have no one in my life, the nightmares constantly ruining my sleep, my son being sick, my skin infection requiring more antibiotics. The migraines splitting my skull open. I didn’t need this trigger, and I certainly don’t want the fear of another man doing anything to me.

In time, I reflected on his strong points, he’s so eager to learn and we often make the same comments in the class. He’s not a stupid guy, and perhaps I’m equally as guilty as projecting my own fears into him. He’s very tall, abrupt and clearly defensive. I explained my position in terms of his physical appearance and demeanour leading me to feel unsafe. That I found his behaviour unpredictable. That I felt it necessary to express myself in a way so as not to appear weak. In my honesty he too opened up about his own lack of confidence and his struggle to be back in a learning environment. In our differences we found stark similarity. The lecturer was impressed by the speed at which we found common ground and spoke openly. She ended up excusing herself, confident in our ability to find peace.

A small element of fear lingered in my stomach, but I decided to ignore it and work with him.

We chatted for some time. He was open, friendly and seemed a lot less intimidating. 

I have no idea how our future will go, if we’ll become friends, acquaintances or remain as just peers in study. But for one thing, I’ve learnt a new way of dealing with conflict resolution. I’ve found a quiet confidence in myself and the ability to be open minded despite past fears.

I’m back at my flat now. Worn down, the warnings of a migraine beating my head. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the psychiatrist – a long time due. And I also had confirmation of my neurologist appointment on Thursday – this time it’s definitely the neurologist!

I feel overwhelmed by all the changes that are occurring in my life. Positive and negative. And the influx of emotions I’m experiencing.

I hope I’m closer to finding an inner peace. 

Coughing up

My poor son was sick last week, hacking up his lungs like a 70 year, 40 a day smoker. I knew his chest was clear and considered it might be due to the rapid changes in weather as we head full steam into autumn. I’d booked him into the gp as a precaution, but in the early hours of the day of that appointment his coughing got so bad he was wheezing. I decided I wasn’t going to take any chances and drove to the ED. Like a car with a funny noise, arriving at the mechanic and the car sounding fine, as soon as I hurried into ED, his breathing stabilised and he barely coughed! The dr looked at me like I was nuts while my son sat happily playing a car game on my phone. No temp, healthy palor, normal breathing. Explaining how just a few moments ago the boy could barely get any oxygen in. The on call dr told me there was nothing he could do and sent me home to wait for the GP appointment in a few hours. Still, I’d rather be driving back at 4am on a ‘wasted trip’ than hearing a dr tell me I had ‘only just made it in time.’

The GP put it down to a good old virus. Completely generic, non commital and prescribed an inhaler. 

I kept him home for a couple of days before the weekend so that he could catch up on some much needed rest. 

Suffice to say, I haven’t been at the flat for the last week. 

S and I have been getting along in an odd platonic style. I literally have no idea what it should be referred to, but it’s good, so I won’t knock it.

I’ve finished my due assignments, which I have to admit are pretty tedious and boring. Im looking forward to the second year.

University is going well though. 

The nightmares still haunt me nightly. I’m at odds of how to deal with them. They can be so brutal and I wake up feeling drained and exhausted. Sometimes quite emotional and definitely more easily triggered. 

I think it will be helpful to talk about it and I think the compulsory therapy will be a good place to get that out. As there certainly isn’t anyone I’m able to talk to at the moment.

S and I might be platonic, but it’s also greatly superficial. As long as we avoid deep and/or emotive topics, it’s all fine.

It would be nice to have some romance, but I can’t imagine meeting anyone that might be remotely interested in me. And I don’t get out enough to meet anyone. I’ll just enjoy the affection from my gay best mate, he’s awesome! 

I finished my antibiotics for my skin infection, but it’s flared right up again. Back to the tablets I suppose.

I’ve got a busy week ahead with uni, so no doubt I’ll be plagued with migraines and feelings of insecurity about my competence.

I’m looking forward to feeling more in a routine and the elevated levels of confidence coming in. I hadn’t realised how much of my self esteem and confidence had rested in my relationship. And now separated – it’s starting all over again, but knowing I only have myself to get anything from. It’s an important curve. 

At the end of the day, I can only fix me, right?!

Birthday surprise

On my birthday, the rain poured and the kettle stopped working. Great, so much for my plans to curl up with coffee in bed! I wasn’t expecting anything, maybe S texting a message from the kids. In fact he text asking me to come over, either to go out for dinner or have sushi (my favourite) at the house. The message was really warm and I felt sincerely invited and cared about.

I got ready and headed over. It worked out really well because my darlin son was unwell, so I picked him and we cuddled up in bed until the others came home.

  
When everyone else arrived I was adorned with gifts of chocolates, a teddy, a cool plant and a Fitbit – that I’d mentioned a long time ago. The presents were selected by the kids, with homemade cards and it was really special. S had brought sushi home. For the first in a really long time I felt really loved and appreciated. There was no atmosphere or tension in the house. I felt incredibly lucky. I wished I could bottle that feeling.

Later on in the evening, S helped me (despite being clearly exhausted from his work) with an assignment. Not once did he lose his patience with me or make me feel inferior. 

We ended up having an early night, both exhausted. I went to sleep smiling. I couldn’t thank them all enough.

S had rearranged a meeting the following day as he’d wanted me to take the kids, needing to be in very early. But I had a lecture, first one on a new paper and a group meeting about an assignment so I hadnt wanted to be late. He was understanding about this so I left in the morning and got there in time.

My group are really nice and the ones that knew about my birthday asked. I could honestly say it was amazing. I felt very blessed.

Well, today I have a wicked migraine again. And after speaking with my gp surgery, the neurologist referral was messed up and it’s been sent today – so I’m back to waiting again. I’m pretty disappointed about that.

Next week I have three lectures, and as they’re full days, no doubt I’ll feel pretty lousy. I’m still on these antibiotics and think I will be for a long time, but I have probiotics now which I hope will help curb the symptoms. 

This weekend it’s ‘Out In the Park’ in the city. A celebration of the 30 year reform of gay marriage and a celebration of diversity and acceptance. I am going to show my support and intend to take the kids so that they continue to practice what we teach them, that people are allowed to love whom they want and should never be subject to bullying or discrimination. 

I’m feeling pretty relaxed and content right now. Although the assignments are building up and I need to crack on, I feel much less alone and ‘discarded’ than I did a few days ok.