I had my first day at university today. I’d been so anxious over the weekend. Moved into my flat, the reality of the situation hitting me and I felt such despair and loneliness. Maybe regrets – had I worked hard enough at the marriage? Would my kids be ok? Was this a mistake? Because my hands were so raw I asked the family to help me with some final moving. 

The landlady’s farm dog gave me a friendly welcome to.

As it was time for them to go, I felt utter emptiness and despair. But I have to say I was completely thrown and wonderfully surprised when S looked at me with all the understanding in the world and asked if I wanted to go back with them that night. It was such a nice gesture. I immediately became tearful and had images of a tearful reunion and a promise we’d get through this and everything would be ok in the end. But I knew that was probably pushing it from one considerate comment. It was so nice though to feel like I did have a place to go and that I wasn’t disowned completely. Even as he turned to leave, he told me I was always welcome there. It was nice. Sad and nice.

It was a beautiful sunny day, so peaceful. I sat and read for hours.

Unfortunately the night wasn’t kind to me. When I finally fell asleep around 3am, my nightmares were filled with torture and graphic images of assault. Grisly, terrifying and out of my control.

By 5am I knew I couldn’t trust sleep – but I also knew it would ruin my first day of Uni. I hoped the first day would be short.

I ended up getting up at 6, to have breakfast and then leaving at 7. Just as well! The traffic was dire.

The uni was busting at the seams with eager new students. I was surprised and happy to see my friend there that I haven’t seen for a long time and also catch up with the friend I made at orientation.

The lecture itself was pretty boring, pretty much spoon feeding us our first assignment. It’s all things I’ve heard before about referencing and understanding the context required. At break I got my computer login and decided to call it a day. 

At the flat I felt content. Peaceful. Finally doing something positive and productive. I expected to feel drained and exhausted. 

I let S know that I didn’t have Uni for the next couple of days and could take the kids to school. 

I feel tired now this afternoon now I’m back at the house. Another annoying email from the principal (funnily enough sent to S and NOT me!) about Caitlin’s phone – has he got nothing better to do?!!

The kids room had cat poo in it and I was eager to get on with laundry. 

I’m looking forward to seeing the kids and reminding of them again how easily I can flit from one place to another. I guess I’m reassuring myself too!

I’ve decided to see the dr tomorrow for my hands. It’s just so painful. 

I have to say I got great entairtainment from this coffee machine today..,

I prefer my black coffee black!

Finally, I’m not quite sure where I fit in this world right now. But I think I’ve finally started a journey to find out who I am, where I’m at and find balance.

I’m not sure why the occurrence of the nightmares – the fear of loss of control? The Unknown? I’d like the nights to be restful. 


3 thoughts on “Learning

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