Head, hands, heart

I bought all the things I needed on Friday for the flat and was glad that S helped me when I drove into the city with a trailer attached and he put the bed I’d bought in to it and then did one his of infamous turn arounds on a tiny street. I’ve always been impressed by his ability to park a seemingly larger car into a smaller space with a few quick flicks of the steering wheel and his manouvering around the small streets of Wellington city was something else.

My hands have broken out in the worst, I guess eczema, I’ve ever had. I don’t really suffer with it, a few months ago I got a skin infection in my hand – first time ever. Now they’ve both flared up. They’re cracked and bleeding and painful. I can’t think what I’ve reacted to. But I’ve tried all the usual things, hydrocortisone cream, moisturiser, whatever the chemist has recommended with no relief. The chemist has said there’s nothing left to try and I need to see the dr. Great.

It’s even painful to drive, so I was worried about unpacking at the flat. Fortunately S suggested he’d pick up the kids from school and they’d all head over to help. It was a good opportunity for them to be part of my move and see the place. My landlady was wonderful, showing the kids the farm animals and her pet bird that she recused after it broke its wing. The kids loved it and seemed very content and peaceful there. It was nice to see them running around on the land. S helped unpack and I asked him if he’d want to come over during the week to take me to dinner and catch up. He took offence to that and said he had no desire to ‘date’ me. An argument was brewing so I dropped it. 

Turned out I had bought the wrong sheets for the bed, it was late and I still needed to go shopping and drop the trailer back so i decided to head back to our house for the night. I think it was a good reminder for the kids too that I can easily move between the two.

By nightfall I had another terrible migraine. Id been busy all day and forgot to take my lunch time preventative migraine tablet – it certainly caught up with me. I was in agony all night and the following day. It was so frustrating, I had so much to do but was wracked with pain.

By afternoon I headed out to change the sheets and pick up some more bits but I didn’t feel like doing everything else with the migraine lurking. This was a mistake on my part.

I tried to initiate conversation with S about seeing him to catch up. We’re already agreed on the kids. But as we’ve been together so long I guess a part of me held onto us going out for dinner and catching up with our lives. S had already had a bottle of wine – and didn’t feel like talking. He was grumpy and tired.

Drunk men trigger me. He knows this and because we’re so distant his demeanour did intimidate me. Not that he’s ever done anything to make me feel unsafe in the past but now I feel I don’t really know him. He’s angry, bitter, he doesn’t talk, his actions are contradictory. Fuelled with alcohol I didn’t want to be around that. There was some argument but I decided to stay in the room all evening. I wanted to just leave and head over to my flat but I knew the kids would be devastated if I just left without saying anything. And I had planned to calmly pack the rest of my stuff here, not throw it in a bag last minute and head off. I was again reminded that I’m not really ‘home’ here and I feel like the best thing I can do is put some space between S and I.

This morning I feel sad about the way things are, and I wondered if at any point i might regret signing the lease. I felt leading up to it, scared and had second thoughts. But since signing it, certainly no regrets. I suppose that might change over the course of weeks, but I imagine it fleeting. S is not the same person. I may well be to blame, God knows I put him through enough with all my history. Maybe I made him bitter and angry. But I don’t even catch rare glimpses of him anymore. He was my safe person, my best friend and confidedante. Now he’s a stranger. 

Hopefully with me gone he can find some equilibrium. And weekends can be enjoyed for the kids.

I’d love for us to be friends again. At the moment it’s all too raw. 

I start Uni on Monday, I’m very anxious, I’m determined to do well. And I’m looking forward to being more involved with local organisations with my networking. 

Hopefully I can grow into a better, stronger version of myself and be a good example for my children.

And who knows, S might actually find me worth his time again.

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3 thoughts on “Head, hands, heart

  1. I get terrible migraines, eczema sometimes too. Stress will do it every time! Hang in there and be your own best friend–you and your kids deserve it my dear xo

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  2. I don’t know where you live, but I love that you called the drug guy a chemist. So much more fun than “pharmacist” here in North America.

    “He was my safe person, my best friend and confidedante. Now he’s a stranger. ” – man do I know that feeling.

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